A while back, I met someone.
It was a chance meeting, and one that I thought wouldn't lead to anything in particular.
I was wrong.
Turns out, he is a truly wonderful guy. I was surprised by many things about him - his intelligence, his maturity, his insight, his wit, his sensitivity. As most women do (but few will admit to), I have a checklist for things I'm looking for in a man.......and this man hit the mark on everything except one (which was a non-issue).
We logged lots of emails, IMs, texts......and a phone call here and there. We went places, did things, spent time together. It was so much fun! I found myself becoming something I hadn't been in a long, long time......vulnerable. But, sometimes......vulnerability is okay.
We kept things casual..........no dating, no labels........but at times, there was affection. At times, there wasn't. At times, he'd look at me with longing. At times, he'd treat me like one of the guys. And that was okay.
Then, one day, he asked me about my expectations, what I was wanting to happen between us.
And I had no idea how to respond.
After much hemming and hawing, and basically thinking out loud, I explained that if he asked me out, I would say yes; but if he didn't, that was fine. I meant it, too.
Kindly, my new friend explained that he wasn't looking for anything more than friendship with me. He didn't want to lead me on or raise my hopes for something more. He wanted to keep our relationship as just friends.
And you know what? That's okay.
Last night, we spent some time together at a friend's birthday party. Knowing exactly where we - and I - stood made it possible for me to relax, be myself, and have a fabulous time. I could tell he was much more at ease as well. It's like the proverbial white elephant in the room had finally been acknowledged, thus removing its power over the situation.
There is a wonderful man out there whom I am meant to meet someday......one who will be as swept off his feet by me as I am of him........and we will be more than just friends. However, there is a wonderful man in my life right now who is a fabulous friend - he brings a unique point of view to how I view things, and he makes me laugh - and I couldn't be happier that we've met.
I believe this is called.....growing.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Justice, Mercy, and Grace
A few years ago, our preacher gave an incredible sermon, in which he gave the following definitions:
Justice is getting what you deserve.
Mercy is not getting what you deserve.
Grace is getting what you don't deserve.
I have not been having much success with my interpersonal relationships of late. In the past couple of weeks, I've tiffed with my best friend (this is so rare, it's noteworthy). I've hurt another friend's feelings by acting impulsively (though my intentions were good, they weren't well thought-out). Yet another person (in the cyberworld) stopped being my "friend", because I stood up to her about a REAL friend of mine. I seem to be having a hard time staying in-balance with those around me. It's incredibly frustrating.
Yet.
I'm working to view this challenging time as a learning opportunity.
It has been pointed out to me by many people that I could easily benefit by calming down. "CTFO" is my new personal motto (chill the f**k out). Friends have offered suggestions on how to measure situations against the grand scheme to see if things are worth getting upset over (usually, they're not).
It is my sincere hope and goal that I can learn to take more things in stride and be a calmer, more mellow person. I feel that if I can achieve that, then I will be a better friend. I will be able to think through things before blurting out words that I cannot take back. I can put myself in other peoples' shoes and see things through their eyes. I can be the friend - not that I would like to have - but rather, that my friends would like to have.
How does all of this relate to the sermon? Easy.
In the past, I think, I was quick to administer justice. If someone did something I didn't agree with, I was more than eager to give them what they deserved. Of course, in my own life, I would always hope for mercy.....I didn't want to be held accountable for my wrongs along the way. Who does?
Now, I want it to be all about grace. I want to be strong and mature enough to give those around me the kindness and compassion they may not deserve, but need. It's amazing how that grace can manifest itself. Grace may come in the form of biting my tongue, standing up for someone, listening without judging, or just being there in a time of need.
At the end of the day, it's easy to dole out justice, but it's so much more satisfying to offer grace.
Justice is getting what you deserve.
Mercy is not getting what you deserve.
Grace is getting what you don't deserve.
I have not been having much success with my interpersonal relationships of late. In the past couple of weeks, I've tiffed with my best friend (this is so rare, it's noteworthy). I've hurt another friend's feelings by acting impulsively (though my intentions were good, they weren't well thought-out). Yet another person (in the cyberworld) stopped being my "friend", because I stood up to her about a REAL friend of mine. I seem to be having a hard time staying in-balance with those around me. It's incredibly frustrating.
Yet.
I'm working to view this challenging time as a learning opportunity.
It has been pointed out to me by many people that I could easily benefit by calming down. "CTFO" is my new personal motto (chill the f**k out). Friends have offered suggestions on how to measure situations against the grand scheme to see if things are worth getting upset over (usually, they're not).
It is my sincere hope and goal that I can learn to take more things in stride and be a calmer, more mellow person. I feel that if I can achieve that, then I will be a better friend. I will be able to think through things before blurting out words that I cannot take back. I can put myself in other peoples' shoes and see things through their eyes. I can be the friend - not that I would like to have - but rather, that my friends would like to have.
How does all of this relate to the sermon? Easy.
In the past, I think, I was quick to administer justice. If someone did something I didn't agree with, I was more than eager to give them what they deserved. Of course, in my own life, I would always hope for mercy.....I didn't want to be held accountable for my wrongs along the way. Who does?
Now, I want it to be all about grace. I want to be strong and mature enough to give those around me the kindness and compassion they may not deserve, but need. It's amazing how that grace can manifest itself. Grace may come in the form of biting my tongue, standing up for someone, listening without judging, or just being there in a time of need.
At the end of the day, it's easy to dole out justice, but it's so much more satisfying to offer grace.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Never Alone
This is a true account of what happened during my recent vacation. I have chosen to share this story because of how powerfully the experience moved me at a time when I was feeling particularly vulnerable. I respect each person's right to have their own beliefs, and I hope you will respect my right to mine.
~ C
As my friend and I made our way towards Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, I was consumed with the idea of once again playing in the ocean. The beach has always been a spiritual place for me. I try to go every couple of years or so to recharge my soul. There is something about the power of the ocean that brings me peace and perspective.
The past few years had been painful. A bitter divorce. Starting my life over. Job uncertainties. Loneliness. My faith had waned. I knew that God would never leave me, but I found myself leaving Him over and over again. I thought I could – should – handle everything on my own. If I was in charge, then the only one responsible for my happiness would be me. The more I felt alone, the easier I thought life would be.
We got to our hotel around 4:00, and by 4:30, we were on the beach. It was a picture perfect day – 88 degrees, not a cloud in the brilliant blue sky, and the ocean was glistening – beckoning me to come in.
I raced down to the surf and plunged into the ocean, willing my cares to be swept out to sea. However, I had grossly underestimated the power of the currents. A wave crashed over my head, knocking me to the shell-covered bottom. Before I could regain my footing, another wave swept over me, pinning me beneath the surface.
When the first wave knocked me down, I had instinctively reached up and grabbed my sunglasses, which I had worn into the surf, not anticipating going in more than waist-deep. When the second wave hit, I could feel my sunglasses being ripped from my hand. I fought to hold onto them. They may have been cheap and tacky, but I loved them! Suddenly, I heard a clear voice: “You can let go of your sunglasses, or you can let go of your life.” Startled, I uncurled my fingers from the sunglasses, just as wave number three bore down. Just as panic was about to set in, my friend reached for me with a strong arm and a sure hold, pulling me safely to shore. Shaken and embarrassed, I tried to play it cool. I commented that I was fine, but that my little adventure had cost me my favorite shades. I made a mental note to run by a store later that evening to replace them.
After a few more minutes of playing in the (ankle deep!) ocean, my friend and I decided to head for the hotel. As we turned to head in, my friend grabbed my arm, pointed, and said, “Look Carrie! Aren’t those your sunglasses?”
There, washed up on the beach without so much as a scratch, were my cheap and tacky sunglasses.
As I grabbed them up, I said a silent prayer of thanks…not that God had returned my sunglasses, but that He had shown me how He is there, even when I may not be.
Me, alone? Never.
~ C
As my friend and I made our way towards Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, I was consumed with the idea of once again playing in the ocean. The beach has always been a spiritual place for me. I try to go every couple of years or so to recharge my soul. There is something about the power of the ocean that brings me peace and perspective.
The past few years had been painful. A bitter divorce. Starting my life over. Job uncertainties. Loneliness. My faith had waned. I knew that God would never leave me, but I found myself leaving Him over and over again. I thought I could – should – handle everything on my own. If I was in charge, then the only one responsible for my happiness would be me. The more I felt alone, the easier I thought life would be.
We got to our hotel around 4:00, and by 4:30, we were on the beach. It was a picture perfect day – 88 degrees, not a cloud in the brilliant blue sky, and the ocean was glistening – beckoning me to come in.
I raced down to the surf and plunged into the ocean, willing my cares to be swept out to sea. However, I had grossly underestimated the power of the currents. A wave crashed over my head, knocking me to the shell-covered bottom. Before I could regain my footing, another wave swept over me, pinning me beneath the surface.
When the first wave knocked me down, I had instinctively reached up and grabbed my sunglasses, which I had worn into the surf, not anticipating going in more than waist-deep. When the second wave hit, I could feel my sunglasses being ripped from my hand. I fought to hold onto them. They may have been cheap and tacky, but I loved them! Suddenly, I heard a clear voice: “You can let go of your sunglasses, or you can let go of your life.” Startled, I uncurled my fingers from the sunglasses, just as wave number three bore down. Just as panic was about to set in, my friend reached for me with a strong arm and a sure hold, pulling me safely to shore. Shaken and embarrassed, I tried to play it cool. I commented that I was fine, but that my little adventure had cost me my favorite shades. I made a mental note to run by a store later that evening to replace them.
After a few more minutes of playing in the (ankle deep!) ocean, my friend and I decided to head for the hotel. As we turned to head in, my friend grabbed my arm, pointed, and said, “Look Carrie! Aren’t those your sunglasses?”
There, washed up on the beach without so much as a scratch, were my cheap and tacky sunglasses.
As I grabbed them up, I said a silent prayer of thanks…not that God had returned my sunglasses, but that He had shown me how He is there, even when I may not be.
Me, alone? Never.
Friday, August 29, 2008
I am thankful...........
Those of you who are my friends on myspace already know this about me - I keep a daily "thankful" blog. It's something I started about 8 months ago, when I was going through a tough patch in my life. Each evening, I reflect on 5 things for which I'm thankful each day.
I am leaving on a mini-vacay first thing tomorrow morning, so I themed tonight's blog about some of the trips I've been blessed to take over the years. I wanted to repost that blog here, with the hopes that you would share some of your favorite travel memories with me! I hope you enjoy. See you when I get home!
~ C
I am thankful...........8/28/08
Current mood: blessed
Category: Life
Hello!
Whew - down to the wire tonight! Since I am leaving on a mini-vacay in the morning, I thought I'd give thanks for some wonderful trips I've been fortunate to make over the years.
Today, I am thankful.............
................for the trip to Europe in 1991. My grandmother took my parents and me on a tour of Europe, and the highpoint was seeing the Passion Play in Germany. It truly was the trip of a lifetime.
................for the trip to Los Angeles in 1997. When Jim and I were dating, he took me to LA when I graduated from college. He said the ride from the airport to Simi Valley was spectacular, because it was the only time he could recall me actually being speechless. Heh. In spite of all of the flaws that ended our marriage, Jim and I made some fabulous trips together.
................for the band trip to Orlando our senior year of high school. Elisa and I got a room to ourselves and had the best time. Remember the "Picture Spots", Li Li? Remember using my leg as a guitar and head banging on the bus? How about being stunt chicks? Yeah, that was an awesome trip.
................for the trip to Paris for New Year's 1994. I was part of the Youth Music All-Stars band, and we were in two parades in France. Mock band geeks all you want...........we get to take the best trips! :P
................for the trip to New York City for Thanksgiving in 1995. I went with my parents, and my then-boyfriend came along. Waking up in my very own room in the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel on Thanksgiving morning........watching the Macy's Parade pass by from the sidewalks of Manhattan.........getting to see 4 Broadway shows in 3 days.........standing atop the Empire State Building at midnight with the snow falling.........this is probably my all-time favorite trip....so far!
I am very blessed to be traveling to the beach for a few days with my dear friend Lynn. I am looking forward to recharging my soul. I hope you have a lovely weekend. What are YOU thankful for?
I am leaving on a mini-vacay first thing tomorrow morning, so I themed tonight's blog about some of the trips I've been blessed to take over the years. I wanted to repost that blog here, with the hopes that you would share some of your favorite travel memories with me! I hope you enjoy. See you when I get home!
~ C
I am thankful...........8/28/08
Current mood: blessed
Category: Life
Hello!
Whew - down to the wire tonight! Since I am leaving on a mini-vacay in the morning, I thought I'd give thanks for some wonderful trips I've been fortunate to make over the years.
Today, I am thankful.............
................for the trip to Europe in 1991. My grandmother took my parents and me on a tour of Europe, and the highpoint was seeing the Passion Play in Germany. It truly was the trip of a lifetime.
................for the trip to Los Angeles in 1997. When Jim and I were dating, he took me to LA when I graduated from college. He said the ride from the airport to Simi Valley was spectacular, because it was the only time he could recall me actually being speechless. Heh. In spite of all of the flaws that ended our marriage, Jim and I made some fabulous trips together.
................for the band trip to Orlando our senior year of high school. Elisa and I got a room to ourselves and had the best time. Remember the "Picture Spots", Li Li? Remember using my leg as a guitar and head banging on the bus? How about being stunt chicks? Yeah, that was an awesome trip.
................for the trip to Paris for New Year's 1994. I was part of the Youth Music All-Stars band, and we were in two parades in France. Mock band geeks all you want...........we get to take the best trips! :P
................for the trip to New York City for Thanksgiving in 1995. I went with my parents, and my then-boyfriend came along. Waking up in my very own room in the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel on Thanksgiving morning........watching the Macy's Parade pass by from the sidewalks of Manhattan.........getting to see 4 Broadway shows in 3 days.........standing atop the Empire State Building at midnight with the snow falling.........this is probably my all-time favorite trip....so far!
I am very blessed to be traveling to the beach for a few days with my dear friend Lynn. I am looking forward to recharging my soul. I hope you have a lovely weekend. What are YOU thankful for?
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Things I've learned along the way......
Some thoughts and observations, for no reason in particular..........
* Learn to laugh at yourself. Other people will be laughing at you, so you might as well join them!
* Find reasons to be thankful in all circumstances. It is the best mood elevator you will find.
* Quit worrying about what people think about you. Sing karaoke. Dance in public. Risk making a fool of yourself. If you sit on the sidelines, the only one who's losing out is you.
* Be with the person who makes you laugh, not who makes you cry.
* Realize that it's okay to have disagreements (okay, fights!) with your friends. The key is to work through the issues, agree to disagree, and move on. Don't dwell.
* You don't have to forget, but you do have to forgive.
* Pizza tastes best the next morning, out of the fridge.
* How badly you need to go is inversely proportional to the distance you are from a bathroom.
* When you are trying to impress a new visitor to your home, your pet will inevitably position themselves directly in front of said visitor and lavish their most disgusting parts with a sensual tongue bath.
* You are never as discreet as you believe you are.
* Mothers just know.
What have YOU learned along the way? Tell me! I wanna learn, too!
* Learn to laugh at yourself. Other people will be laughing at you, so you might as well join them!
* Find reasons to be thankful in all circumstances. It is the best mood elevator you will find.
* Quit worrying about what people think about you. Sing karaoke. Dance in public. Risk making a fool of yourself. If you sit on the sidelines, the only one who's losing out is you.
* Be with the person who makes you laugh, not who makes you cry.
* Realize that it's okay to have disagreements (okay, fights!) with your friends. The key is to work through the issues, agree to disagree, and move on. Don't dwell.
* You don't have to forget, but you do have to forgive.
* Pizza tastes best the next morning, out of the fridge.
* How badly you need to go is inversely proportional to the distance you are from a bathroom.
* When you are trying to impress a new visitor to your home, your pet will inevitably position themselves directly in front of said visitor and lavish their most disgusting parts with a sensual tongue bath.
* You are never as discreet as you believe you are.
* Mothers just know.
What have YOU learned along the way? Tell me! I wanna learn, too!
Monday, August 25, 2008
It's not me, it's you...and other things I wish I could say...
I hate that I am so incredibly polite sometimes. Really. Having been raised a "proper lady" in the South, I almost always bite my tongue or sugarcoat bad / awkward / uncomfortable news when it must be delivered. As a result, my tongue is nearly severed, and I am now writing this open letter to any and all possible men in my future.
Dear Prospective New Man in My Life,
Let's cut right to the chase. There are some things about me that you need to know, but which I'm scared to tell you. I hope that you are a mind-reader. It will come in handy. Here, in no particular order, is a cheat sheet of all the baffling things about me that you need to keep in mind.
* I'm pretty new at the dating thing. I dated and was married to my ex-husband for more than 10 years. The last time I seriously dated was in the mid-90's. Things have changed, and I have yet to figure out the new rules. I abhor games. If you say you're going to call, call. If I say I'm going to call, I'll call. I am an extremely black-and-white person, and I don't do well with shades of gray. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.....just don't say it mean! :)
* Speaking of games, let me be very clear on this point again - I detest games!!! If I like you, you will know it because I wear my feelings on my sleeve. If you like me, I expect that you will either tell me or demonstrate your affection in an obvious way. What I do NOT want is for you to lavish me with affection one day, and then run screaming the next without an explanation as to why. I'm a big girl. I can handle those 6 words made famous on SATC: "I'm just not that into you." I have much more respect for a man who is forthcoming with not-so-great news, than for one who hides his head in the sand and hopes the situation will take care of itself.
* I am an open book. I am not good at hiding my emotions, and I am not good at keeping my opinions to myself. I am strong in my convictions and will stand up for myself.
* Do not confuse my strength of conviction for cold-hearted bitch. I am incredibly vulnerable, and if you're lucky, you will get to see that vulnerability first hand. Having been separated and divorced for 2.5 years, I have become very independent. I am used to opening my own doors, carrying my own groceries, supporting myself financially, and solving my own problems. HOWEVER!!!! Please indulge the very womanly side of me by offering to do these chivalrous gestures for me. I love to be romanced. I'm not into PC bullshit. I will not be offended if you help me into the car or offer to buy me dinner. I only ask that you not take offense when I sometimes beat you to the punch, as it's been a long time since I've depended on anyone but myself.
* I have a life of my own, but when I get involved with you in a new relationship, I make room for you in it. This does not mean that my life has suddenly become all about you and that I have given up my identity. It is simply me putting myself out there the only way I know how. You will learn that I am the girl who gives 110% of herself for her friends, and you are now my friend. That does not make me a doormat. I feel strongly that we are all put on this earth to take care of one another, and I am an incredibly giving person. I hope that you are strong enough to not be threatened by my desires to help you, and I hope that you will offer your help in return.
* Be who you are, and be it 100%. I promise to do the same in return.
* Realize that, when you and I are first getting to know each other, I will probably freak out and obsess over conversations that we've had, and try to discern every possible hidden meaning of every word you've uttered. That's part of being a chick. We all do it. Why do you think women go to the restroom in packs? It's to have intense "what did he mean by that?" conversations! Silly? Of course. Reality? Yep.
* Most importantly, realize that I am the eternal optimist. I have loved, lost, loved again, and lost some more. However, I *still* believe in love. I even have a personal saying: "I still believe in fairy tales, once upon a time, and happily ever after." That is NOT to be confused with a complete lack of understanding of reality. I know that life is not a fairy tale. I know that each relationship will have its own unique set of challenges, trying times, pitfalls, and other unpleasantness. What I also know, though, is that - should I be lucky enough to find my Prince Charming - the good will outweigh the bad, and I will be able to write my own fairy tale, with my own version of "happily ever after".
So that's it. Have I scared you completely away? I hope not. That was never the intent. I just wanted you to have a glimpse into the real me.
Sincerely,
Me
Dear Prospective New Man in My Life,
Let's cut right to the chase. There are some things about me that you need to know, but which I'm scared to tell you. I hope that you are a mind-reader. It will come in handy. Here, in no particular order, is a cheat sheet of all the baffling things about me that you need to keep in mind.
* I'm pretty new at the dating thing. I dated and was married to my ex-husband for more than 10 years. The last time I seriously dated was in the mid-90's. Things have changed, and I have yet to figure out the new rules. I abhor games. If you say you're going to call, call. If I say I'm going to call, I'll call. I am an extremely black-and-white person, and I don't do well with shades of gray. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.....just don't say it mean! :)
* Speaking of games, let me be very clear on this point again - I detest games!!! If I like you, you will know it because I wear my feelings on my sleeve. If you like me, I expect that you will either tell me or demonstrate your affection in an obvious way. What I do NOT want is for you to lavish me with affection one day, and then run screaming the next without an explanation as to why. I'm a big girl. I can handle those 6 words made famous on SATC: "I'm just not that into you." I have much more respect for a man who is forthcoming with not-so-great news, than for one who hides his head in the sand and hopes the situation will take care of itself.
* I am an open book. I am not good at hiding my emotions, and I am not good at keeping my opinions to myself. I am strong in my convictions and will stand up for myself.
* Do not confuse my strength of conviction for cold-hearted bitch. I am incredibly vulnerable, and if you're lucky, you will get to see that vulnerability first hand. Having been separated and divorced for 2.5 years, I have become very independent. I am used to opening my own doors, carrying my own groceries, supporting myself financially, and solving my own problems. HOWEVER!!!! Please indulge the very womanly side of me by offering to do these chivalrous gestures for me. I love to be romanced. I'm not into PC bullshit. I will not be offended if you help me into the car or offer to buy me dinner. I only ask that you not take offense when I sometimes beat you to the punch, as it's been a long time since I've depended on anyone but myself.
* I have a life of my own, but when I get involved with you in a new relationship, I make room for you in it. This does not mean that my life has suddenly become all about you and that I have given up my identity. It is simply me putting myself out there the only way I know how. You will learn that I am the girl who gives 110% of herself for her friends, and you are now my friend. That does not make me a doormat. I feel strongly that we are all put on this earth to take care of one another, and I am an incredibly giving person. I hope that you are strong enough to not be threatened by my desires to help you, and I hope that you will offer your help in return.
* Be who you are, and be it 100%. I promise to do the same in return.
* Realize that, when you and I are first getting to know each other, I will probably freak out and obsess over conversations that we've had, and try to discern every possible hidden meaning of every word you've uttered. That's part of being a chick. We all do it. Why do you think women go to the restroom in packs? It's to have intense "what did he mean by that?" conversations! Silly? Of course. Reality? Yep.
* Most importantly, realize that I am the eternal optimist. I have loved, lost, loved again, and lost some more. However, I *still* believe in love. I even have a personal saying: "I still believe in fairy tales, once upon a time, and happily ever after." That is NOT to be confused with a complete lack of understanding of reality. I know that life is not a fairy tale. I know that each relationship will have its own unique set of challenges, trying times, pitfalls, and other unpleasantness. What I also know, though, is that - should I be lucky enough to find my Prince Charming - the good will outweigh the bad, and I will be able to write my own fairy tale, with my own version of "happily ever after".
So that's it. Have I scared you completely away? I hope not. That was never the intent. I just wanted you to have a glimpse into the real me.
Sincerely,
Me
Monday, August 18, 2008
Breaking the addiction
There are all kinds of habits and addictions that people struggle with.
Drugs.
Alcohol.
Violence.
Money.
Sex.
Often, these addictions go hand-in-hand with one another. Even more often, the addict doesn't even realize that he's addicted to his vice(s) of choice. All the addict knows is there's a pattern and habit to his behaviors, and there's a heady rush as a payoff for the choices he's making.
So. How to break the habit and kick the addiction?
First - figure out why you're addicted in the first place. Have you become comfortable and complacent with the status quo? Is the payoff worth the risk? Are you masking pain? Are you motivated by fear? Are you unwilling to let go of the version of your past that you're seeing through rose-colored glasses?
It's very hard to let go of addictive behavior if you don't have something - or someone - new to put in its place. This is why you see so many people who are trying to quit smoking going around with suckers in their mouths. Alcoholics and drug addicts go to meetings to replace their addictions.
What happens when your addiction is not a thing, but rather, a someone?
I've been there.
Even when I knew I was in a relationship that was horrible for me, it took me a long, long time to walk away, and even longer to stop the contact. I was convinced that, without my husband, I would essentially cease to exist. My life was his life. My plans were his plans. He knew me better than I knew myself. I thought our lives were unbreakably intertwined with one another's. Even when I moved out, we stayed in close contact. We became closer after the separation than we had been married.
However.
After time, distance, and new people in my life, I finally realized I had to let go of my addiction to him. It wasn't so much that I wanted to BE with my ex-husband; rather, it was a habit that I had been in for more than 10 years. With my ex, I didn't have to learn anything new. I didn't have to try. I didn't have to open myself up to vulnerability, scrutiny, rejection, and all of the other scary things that go with moving on.
And how very sad that I wasted so much time with that habit and addiction.
Moving on wasn't easy, but it was worth it.
My name is Carrie, and I'm a recovered addict.
Drugs.
Alcohol.
Violence.
Money.
Sex.
Often, these addictions go hand-in-hand with one another. Even more often, the addict doesn't even realize that he's addicted to his vice(s) of choice. All the addict knows is there's a pattern and habit to his behaviors, and there's a heady rush as a payoff for the choices he's making.
So. How to break the habit and kick the addiction?
First - figure out why you're addicted in the first place. Have you become comfortable and complacent with the status quo? Is the payoff worth the risk? Are you masking pain? Are you motivated by fear? Are you unwilling to let go of the version of your past that you're seeing through rose-colored glasses?
It's very hard to let go of addictive behavior if you don't have something - or someone - new to put in its place. This is why you see so many people who are trying to quit smoking going around with suckers in their mouths. Alcoholics and drug addicts go to meetings to replace their addictions.
What happens when your addiction is not a thing, but rather, a someone?
I've been there.
Even when I knew I was in a relationship that was horrible for me, it took me a long, long time to walk away, and even longer to stop the contact. I was convinced that, without my husband, I would essentially cease to exist. My life was his life. My plans were his plans. He knew me better than I knew myself. I thought our lives were unbreakably intertwined with one another's. Even when I moved out, we stayed in close contact. We became closer after the separation than we had been married.
However.
After time, distance, and new people in my life, I finally realized I had to let go of my addiction to him. It wasn't so much that I wanted to BE with my ex-husband; rather, it was a habit that I had been in for more than 10 years. With my ex, I didn't have to learn anything new. I didn't have to try. I didn't have to open myself up to vulnerability, scrutiny, rejection, and all of the other scary things that go with moving on.
And how very sad that I wasted so much time with that habit and addiction.
Moving on wasn't easy, but it was worth it.
My name is Carrie, and I'm a recovered addict.
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