Wednesday, July 16, 2008

What Hurts the Most

I've been thinking a lot lately about fairy tales. There are a number of reasons for this: one of my nicknames is "Princess" (well, I *am* one!); I still believe in once upon a time and happily ever after; and fairy tales usually work out splendidly.

There's the rub.

There is a situation in my life that, no matter how I try, I don't think it will get wrapped up nicely with a big, red bow. Instead, I'm finding myself relating to the princess in "The Princess and the Pea". While these particular circumstances in my life are tiny - minuscule - barely more than a blip on the radar, they are enough to make me very uncomfortable and constantly aware of their effects on my life.

I am not a perfect person. I never have been. I never will be. I have hurt people before, and I have offered my apologies. People have hurt me before, and they have offered their apologies.

Yet.

Every now and again, someone will come along and reopen the lines of communication. I don't know if this is motivated by guilt, morbid curiosity, genuine caring and concern, or what. Since I am intrinsically a nice person and want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, I am usually willing to listen. I know all too well what it means to have something you need to say, but have the person you need to say it to refuse to listen. It's heartbreaking. I vowed never to be that person. If someone has something to say to me, I want them to be able to say it.

What hurts the most, though, is when I've offered genuine forgiveness and extended an olive branch in good faith, only to have the door cruelly slammed one more time on me. There's a difference - in me - of being humble, being vulnerable, and being a doormat. Lately, I feel like a doormat. I don't like it. I am a person who needs answers - no matter if I'll like them or not. I need clarity amidst complexity. I'm a black and white person. I don't deal well with shades of gray.

I need peace.

I don't know what the answer is. Despite all of my feelings, I will still never turn my back on people. That's the nurturing side of me coming through. I just wish that people could nurture me in return.

When you're in a romantic relationship with someone, and it comes to an end, there's a grieving process. However, most of the time, there are clear reasons why the relationship has ended.

Not so simple with other relationships. There's no "How To" manual for walking away from friends. There's no support group for people who have had their friends taken away from them. There's no way to describe the loneliness that comes when you think of the missed opportunities for making memories with the ones you used to be so close to.

There should be.

There are 2 people from my past who I miss so very much. I can't change the things which have transpired. I just wish I could change how much I care.

3 comments:

Chris said...

Hey. I get it. I've been in situations where I had to let a friend go & it sucks. Just know you've got a couple down Atlanta way that care for you a great deal. :)

~ Care ~ said...

Awwww shucks. I love you guys so much. It's nice to know y'all have got my back. ***smooches***

Mollie said...

wow I posted about this very thing a while back. A very good friend of mine who had become so negative and unenjoyable to be around - I finally stopped talking to her, yet every once in a blue moon she'll text me and we'll chat again, until the ugliness gets in the way and we part ways once more.