What Hurts the Most

I've been thinking a lot lately about fairy tales. There are a number of reasons for this: one of my nicknames is "Princess" (well, I *am* one!); I still believe in once upon a time and happily ever after; and fairy tales usually work out splendidly.

There's the rub.

There is a situation in my life that, no matter how I try, I don't think it will get wrapped up nicely with a big, red bow. Instead, I'm finding myself relating to the princess in "The Princess and the Pea". While these particular circumstances in my life are tiny - minuscule - barely more than a blip on the radar, they are enough to make me very uncomfortable and constantly aware of their effects on my life.

I am not a perfect person. I never have been. I never will be. I have hurt people before, and I have offered my apologies. People have hurt me before, and they have offered their apologies.

Yet.

Every now and again, someone will come along and reopen the lines of communication. I don't know if this is motivated by guilt, morbid curiosity, genuine caring and concern, or what. Since I am intrinsically a nice person and want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, I am usually willing to listen. I know all too well what it means to have something you need to say, but have the person you need to say it to refuse to listen. It's heartbreaking. I vowed never to be that person. If someone has something to say to me, I want them to be able to say it.

What hurts the most, though, is when I've offered genuine forgiveness and extended an olive branch in good faith, only to have the door cruelly slammed one more time on me. There's a difference - in me - of being humble, being vulnerable, and being a doormat. Lately, I feel like a doormat. I don't like it. I am a person who needs answers - no matter if I'll like them or not. I need clarity amidst complexity. I'm a black and white person. I don't deal well with shades of gray.

I need peace.

I don't know what the answer is. Despite all of my feelings, I will still never turn my back on people. That's the nurturing side of me coming through. I just wish that people could nurture me in return.

When you're in a romantic relationship with someone, and it comes to an end, there's a grieving process. However, most of the time, there are clear reasons why the relationship has ended.

Not so simple with other relationships. There's no "How To" manual for walking away from friends. There's no support group for people who have had their friends taken away from them. There's no way to describe the loneliness that comes when you think of the missed opportunities for making memories with the ones you used to be so close to.

There should be.

There are 2 people from my past who I miss so very much. I can't change the things which have transpired. I just wish I could change how much I care.

In the end, only kindness matters

I've been having an interesting email exchange with a friend of mine tonight, and it's gotten me to thinking:

When did being kind become the exception, not the rule?

I like to think of myself as a generally kind person, though I'm sure there are those who would beg to differ. I cannot, however, be deliberately mean or unkind to others just for the heck of it. I don't understand those who can.

The negative energy that is wasted when we focus on pettiness, shrewdness, talking behind the backs of others, and so on, is palpable in today's world. There is enough unpleasantness in this world without us having to make an effort to contribute to it.

Instead of always dwelling on the negative or spinning situations to extract the worst, why not act with kindness? Take the higher road. Be the bigger person.

Call to check on your friends. Send angel kisses via texts. Send a quick email just to say hello. You never know what demons other people are facing. In their life, you may be the only positive encounter they have that day.

You have a choice.

Choose kindness.

Footprints on my heart

I've spent the past few hours out here in cyberspace......playing around on the various sites I frequent: myspace, gmail, twitter, blogspot. It's gotten me to thinking.......

.........I was messaging some of my friends on myspace tonight, and I had a realization. I am very, very close to some fabulous people (Hollie, Keesha, Jan, Melissa, Marla, and countless others). These are women whom I can be myself with. I have shared my darkest secrets, most painful hurts, and elaborate joys with them. I say prayers for these ladies and their families. I celebrate with them. I grieve with them. I encourage them.

I have never met them in person. Ever.

I am amazed at the true friendships I have been blessed to find, all thanks to the internet. My friends, I hope to someday meet you all in person. Thank you for making my journey in life easier.