You have GOT to be kidding me......

Dating is hell. Period. I am honestly trying to figure out why I'm so intent on getting "back into the dating scene" after a particularly harrowing first date on Friday night.

It began innocently enough with exchanged "winks" online. Winks turned into IMs. IMs turned into emails. Emails turned into phone calls. True, there were a couple of minor red flags during these exchanges (do I really need to know about your Poughkeepsie experience during our first conversation? Really?), but I chalked it up to his nerves and bravely accepted his dinner invitation for Friday evening.

I was so excited. First dates hold so much promise! I bought nay one, but three new outfits for the occasion. I changed my hair appointment from Saturday to Wednesday. I shaved my legs. I was optimistic!

We met for dinner at my favorite Italian restaurant. He looked harmless enough....clean clothes, combed hair, all of his teeth......we ordered our dinner and began the ritual of getting to know each other. I said, "so tell me more about yourself." I didn't realize it was a trick question. He asked me for my phone (MY phone!!!) and called a 60-year old, female friend of his in Michigan (I can only assume he didn't want to waste HIS minutes) and said, "hi. I'm on a date, and this lady has just asked me to describe myself. I'm not sure what to say. Can you please talk to her?" I suddenly felt as if this guy was competing on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire", and he was dialing his Phone-a-Friend!! How can someone NOT know how to describe themselves? Whatever. Strike one.

At the end of our meal, Nervous Guy excused himself to go to the Men's Room. He was gone and gone and gone and gone. I really and truly thought he had ditched me....not that I would have been upset. Since I didn't want to stiff the restaurant, I proceeded to pay our bill ($45). Coincidentally, Nervous Guy returned as soon as my credit card had been processed. I told him that I had paid, and he stammered, "uh, thanks! That's so thoughtful of you." Thoughtful?!?! You asked ME out! Sigh. Strike two.

As we were leaving, Nervous Guy suggested we go to Barnes & Noble. This, apparently, is the height of entertainment for him. I asked him over dinner - "do you like to go dancing?" His response: "No. I tried it once in college, and it wasn't for me." I tried it once in college?? Newsflash: dancing is not a drug. Anyhoo.........we went to Barnes & Noble, and I was immediately struck that he was carrying in 2 black bags. I asked him what he had. His laptop, he responded. Okay. We got inside, found some chairs, and he did, in fact, take out his laptop and begin surfing the internet. He also produced a nifty little cushion to sit on (imagine a cushion used for someone post-keyster surgery). As he's sitting there on his geriatric cushion, playing with the computer, I said, "don't you want to chat?" "No, I'm good" was the response. Seriously? You drove an hour to meet me, and you don't even want to talk to me? Strike three.

At 10:55 pm, it was announced that the store would be closing at 11:00 pm. We were sitting in the back of the store, and I had a purchase I wanted to make. I told Nervous Guy that I'd go on up to the front and he could meet me there. He told me not to worry about hurrying, that the store wouldn't kick us out at 11:00, and it would be fine to stay until 11:15 or so. Um, no. That's just rude. Those people want to go home! Rather than make a scene, I just went on up to the front, paid for my book, and went outside. The manager on duty was holding the doors open, waiting to lock up. She couldn't do that until Nervous Guy (who at this point became Annoying Guy) left the store. At 11:10, I apologized to her, told her to relay to him that I'd gone to my car, and set off for the parking lot, where I had to fight every urge in my body to put my car in "drive" and flee. Annoying Guy didn't come out until 11:15. I couldn't believe his complete lack of social skills and common decency. Strike four.

When he finally emerged from B&N, Annoying Guy suggested that we wrap up the evening at Starbucks. Fine. I figured he could buy me tea and dessert since I sprung for dinner. We arrived at Starbucks at 11:30. Once again, he brought in the laptop and cushion (I was getting a complex at this point). He did pay for my tea, but this is the final point that pushed me over the edge: the total for my tea was $2.03. He handed the cashier a 5-dollar bill, and then took 3 pennies out of the crippled children's fund!!!! That is just tacky!!!!! Strikes five through infinity.

When Starbucks closed at midnight (and yes, he wanted to stay inside until 12:15, but management kicked him out), I couldn't wait to get out of there. I quickly bid him goodbye and good riddance. I had wondered at first why a 40 year old man had never been married. I wonder no more.

My So-Called Charmed Life

I want so desperately for people to think that I'm composed, well-educated, polished, impeccably mannered, impossibly refined, and all around stunning.

Yeah, that's never gonna happen.

Witness not one, but two things which occurred in the past 24 hours to lend credence to my last statement (and realize I share these horrors with you, and no one else!).

First example of how I am the opposite of a genius. Last night, I prepared for bed as usual, and donned my typical going-to-bed attire, which is grannies and a tank top. I dress for comfort, thank you. I had trouble falling asleep - something just didn't seem right, yet I couldn't figure it out......until this morning, when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Yeah, wearing your grannies inside-out is fabulous. Sigh.

However, the next tale of shame is even better.

Again - before I ventured to bed last night, I was viciously attacked by a rabid mosquito. I was bitten several times on my leg, and the itching was driving me mad. I stumbled into my bathroom, flung open my drawer o' meds, and grabbed a tube of "Anti-Itch Cream". The tube was pink and white, so I figured it was generic Benedryl cream. I rubbed a huge glob into the offending bites, wondering only briefly why the cream had a tannish-tint and smelled mildly flowery. That's when I saw the microscopic print: "Compare to the active ingredients in Vagisil!!".

Yikes. I'm so glad I won't have to worry about a yeast infection on my calf.

I seriously lead a charmed life. Seriously.

Footprints on my heart

I've spent the past few hours out here in cyberspace......playing around on the various sites I frequent: myspace, gmail, twitter, blogspot. It's gotten me to thinking.......

.........I was messaging some of my friends on myspace tonight, and I had a realization. I am very, very close to some fabulous people (Hollie, Keesha, Jan, Melissa, Marla, and countless others). These are women whom I can be myself with. I have shared my darkest secrets, most painful hurts, and elaborate joys with them. I say prayers for these ladies and their families. I celebrate with them. I grieve with them. I encourage them.

I have never met them in person. Ever.

I am amazed at the true friendships I have been blessed to find, all thanks to the internet. My friends, I hope to someday meet you all in person. Thank you for making my journey in life easier.

These restless days

I'm restless. I've been restless for some time now. I thought, perhaps, it was something else.....depression, confusion, boredom. No. I'm restless.

I'm ready to get on with my life. There's so much I want to do! Photography classes. More introspective writing. Fall in love. Travel. Learn a new language. Buy a fabulous condo.

During my recovery from surgery, I've had way too much time to just sit and think. It's funny - I've never been more desperate to lay in the sun or go swimming than since I've been in my cast! Just another fine example of feeling restless.

I've been having some interesting conversations lately with someone involving personality typing according to the Myers-Briggs test. This person remained convinced I was one personality, and I remained convinced I was another. I settled it today - and I was right. It's really gotten me to thinking, though: how could I project one personality type so clearly to someone who is just getting to know me, yet really and truly be something else? Does that mean I have 2 personalities (some might agree with that!)? Does it mean that my personality is evolving? Perhaps. I think that it's entirely possible - even probable - to have aspects of our personality be in constant growth and evolution. It's called learning from our past.

At any rate.

I'm restless.

What IS it with midgets?

So, my favorite salesman comes into my office on Friday, and we have this conversation:

him: "Carrie! I'm so excited!!! Mini KISS is coming to Harrah's on July 3rd!!! I just made a reservation! I'm leaving work early so I can be first in line!!!"

me: "WTF is Mini KISS?"

him: "How can you not know what Mini KISS is???"

me: "Seriously?"

him: "I see your point. Mini KISS is just what it sounds like - it's a KISS impersonation band made up entirely of midgets!!! I'll send you their picture!!!"

I immediately fell out of my chair and laughed my friggin' ass off. See attached.

Growth and Grace

Life is so funny in the lessons it chooses to teach us. Life. Karma. God. All synonymous with "what goes around, comes around." Sometimes I have to remind myself to step back, take a deep breath, and reflect on the bigger picture. It is only when I do that, that I'm able to learn and grow.

Witness my growth today.

I discovered that I can empower myself richly and immediately out here in cyberspace..........all by deftly wielding the tiny but powerful "delete" key.

Delete. Not a particularly pleasant word. It usually has some sort of negativity associated with it. I've always felt bad about deleting people / comments / etc. from my webpages, blogs, etc. I don't know why - it's cyberspace, for crying out loud! Nonetheless, I've always held on to people that I shouldn't, for fear of either missing something or hurting their feelings.

That changed today.

Like it or not, it's a fact that we all have people in our lives - for whatever reason - that serve more to bring us down rather than build us up. Sometimes we're connected to them by blood, sometimes by marriage, and other times by weird circumstances of the universe. What I grew into today, though - and for what I'm very thankful for - is this: as I grow and evolve, I'm giving myself permission to shed negative layers of my old self. That means not living in the past, and not holding on to unrealistic expectations of others. Sad as it may be, sometimes friendships end. And when that happens..........remember that you have a choice in how you handle it.

I'm handling it with grace.