So long, 2008

Ah, 2008. What a beast you have been. As I write this entry on the last day of this year, I am not the least bit sad to see you go. In the history of me, you made the top three list in "worst / hardest / saddest years of my life". How d'ya like THEM apples? Hmmm?

Granted - not everything was bad, 2008. New friends came into my life when I needed them most. Strength was acquired from reserves in me that I never knew existed. Lessons - hard lessons - were learned. Forgiveness was granted, both by me and to me. I fell down many times, but kept getting up on my (sometimes shaky) feet.

But 2008, in many other ways, you kicked my ass and had your way with me during the past 365 days (we got 1 extra day because of Leap Year. Lucky us.). There was the saga of the ankle injury, ultimately resulting in surgery. There was the bout of pneumonia over my birthday (thanks for the great timing). There was the whole stress of THE incident (I trust you know what I'm talking about....no need to divulge details). And of course......there was the uproarious joke of me re-entering the world of dating. 2008, you had a wicked sense of humor. Prior to this year, the last time I really "dated" was in 1996. Many laughs were had - both BY me and AT me - in regards to this debacle. Thanks for that.

So, 2008, I hope you'll understand why I'm so eager to bid you farewell. It's nothing personal. It's just.....I need more out of my years. While I don't subscribe to the notion of "resolutions", there are some changes I'll be implementing in 2009. Simply, I'm just going to do things better. Not "try". "Do". I'm GOING to eat healthier foods. I'm GOING to make exercise my friend. I'm GOING to get out of my house more. I'm GOING to be the change I long to see in my life. The role of 2009 will be simple: God willing, I will be provided with the days in which to DO more good.

Alright, 2008. That's all I've got to say. While I appreciate your visit, it's really time for you to be going. Here, let me get that door for you......

Compliments of...........

When was the last time you received a compliment? A real, genuine compliment? Been stopped a complete stranger to have them say a few nice words to you? Mark Twain once said that he could "live for two weeks on a good compliment." My best friend and I were blessed to receive a touching compliment today.

As I do every Thursday, I had lunch with my best friend. And, as we do every Thursday, we talked incessently about what was going on in our lives. We each have struggles, frustrations, and challenges we face.......yet we always end up laughing to the point of tears. Today was no exception. Whether it was the bestest's story about her previous night's rehearsal, or my own quip about the joke my Dad played on me today, we found ourselves laughing constantly as we shared our meal.

When the older couple in the booth behind us got up to leave, the lady approached us. She said, "In these trying days that we live in, it sure is nice to go out in public and still hear people sharing the joy of laughter. Thank you for making our lunch so great!"

By doing what best friends naturally do when they're together - giggle a bit too loudly - we had inadvertently brightened someone's day. However, the joy this kind stranger showed to us by taking the time to pay us such a lovely compliment can't be measured.

When somebody touches your life in some small way - tell them! It takes just a few seconds, but the memory of the compliment will last longer than you'll know.

My own worst enemy

It is entirely possible that, in this scary world of dating, I am my own worst enemy. I am the girl that is really good at giving wise and sound advice to her friends, but fails miserably in taking that advice herself.

Why am I like this? More than one person has commented lately that I have a tendency to project negative feelings on my new relationships (i.e. "I'm so gonna jinx this"..."I know I'll find a way to screw this up"...etc.). It is a bad habit that I need to work on, but it's hard to shake years of history, ya know?

Another thing that sabotages me is my lack of patience. I have never been the girl who plays it cool and just "waits to see what will happen." Again - this is something I'm working on, but it's killing me!! When I meet someone I like, it drives me nuts to not know for sure what his feelings are on the matter. After a couple of dates, I have to sit on my hands to keep myself from texting or IMing someone to see if they had as much fun as I did. I know, I know......that type of behavior can be classified as clingy / desperate / any number of unpleasant things. I just am not patient enough to play the waiting game.

I am not good at dating. I want to date. I love to meet new people. I need to shake things up from time to time. However, I've just about reached the conclusion that - until I can find someone who will be my dating coach, I really need to sit things out. It's safer that way!

All I can do is keep breathing............

I am going through these days in a perpetual state of "waiting for the other shoe to drop". It is making me anxious, and sometimes I feel so overwhelmed. I need to remind myself to breathe at times.

The state of the country / economy is weighing on my mind. How will my company be affected? Will my job be in jeopardy? If I lose my job, how will I make it? What about my parents - how are they going to make it in this climate? What about my friends?

Take a breath.

I have a terminally ill close family friend who is not expected to live through Thanksgiving, which is only 4 days from now. Is she suffering? Is she aware of what's happening to her? Is she scared? What will her family do without her? When will I get the call?

Take a breath.

I have slipped back into some old habits that are not healthy for me. Why am I doing this? Why can't I stop? What need is this filling? When will I take control? Will I always struggle? Who can I turn to for help?

Take a breath.

I wonder what is going to happen with someone I met recently. I wonder what he's thinking? Does he like me? What if he doesn't? Will I ever fall in love again?

Take a breath.

Take a big breath.

Let it out.

And just let it be.

Classic Carrie

My friend Allison had a baby yesterday. This, of course, was cause for immediate celebration on my end! I love babies.........especially OTHER people's babies! Being the good friend that I am, I promptly called the hospital to get Allison's room number so I could send her a gift basket to mark the arrival of wee Sophia.

After working all day, followed by dinner at my parents' house, I was finally able to make it to the hospital around 7:00 last night. I was so eager to meet this new baby girl! Sophia was the newest member of James and Allison's crew, joining big sister Alexandra (who is almost 6). James and Allison are near and dear to my heart, and I knew how special this day was for all involved. I could barely contain my excitement as I made my way past the nursery, towards the patient rooms.

When I got to Allison's room, the door was closed (no surprise there), so I gingerly knocked, not wanting to disturb anyone, lest they were sleeping. A dashing young man, whom I presumed to be one of James's friends, opened the door and welcomed me in. There were people everywhere! Not surprising, given how large Allison's family is.

I walked into the room, pushed aside the curtain, and was greeted by the sight of mom with new baby, doing the most primal and instinctual thing in the world - nursing her. Never mind that there were a good 10 people in the room - mom's bosom was on display for all to behold. There was only one teeny, tiny problem.

The mom in the bed wasn't my friend Allison.

Yeah, it seems the hospital had given me the wrong room number earlier in the day. Oops. Needless to say, I immediately turned to salt, while my face turned a dozen shades of red.

I brilliantly stated to the new mom, "Why, you're not Allison!", to which the new mom graciously replied, "Umm, nope. I'm not."

I offered a hasty apology and sincere congratulations all at once (it came out "ohmygodi'msosorrycongratsonyournewbaby"), and then fled the scene as fast as I could.

Just think how special I made that moment for that new mommy. She's gonna remember me forever.

A change is gonna come........

It has been a while since my last post. I have felt rather uninspired of late, though I'm not sure why. I'm sure, in part, it's due to the quiet shift of the seasons. We are well into Fall, knocking on the door of Winter. The days are shorter. The leaves are falling. The world around us is falling into slumber.

And yet......

There is a stirring in my soul. A part of me is being awakened by the whispers of inspiration. Perhaps, while the rest of the world sleeps, I can tiptoe out of my slumber - in that world between sleeping and awake - and create something magical for others to discover when they awaken in Spring.

So settle in for your cozy winter slumber, my friends. I will be busy dancing in my dreams.

The opposite of love..........

There is a quote that is a recurring theme in a series of books I've recently read by Emily Giffin.

"The opposite of love isn't hate; it's indifference."

When I first read that phrase, I wasn't entirely sure what the author meant. I had always assumed that the opposite of love was hate. But then, after I thought about it, it made perfect sense. With love, there is passion and emotion.....same thing with hate. With indifference, there is neither.

Since my separation and divorce more than 2.5 years ago, I have experienced a wide array of emotions about and towards my ex-husband. There used to be love; then there was hate; there was anger, too. In the last year or so, my ex had been relegated more and more to the "indifferent" category. I wished him no ill will, and the truth was, I never even thought about him.

And then.....today.....I looked at the calendar.

My ex-husband is getting remarried in 11 days.

And just like that, all of these emotions have come bubbling back to the surface, threatening to come out my eyeballs in the form of crocodile tears. I am beyond puzzled at this reaction. I am not in love with my ex anymore. I do not wish to be a part of his life anymore. I do not pine for what we once had. I wish him and his new wife and their new son every happiness.

What has upset me so is, not the fact that he is getting married; but rather, that I - the person he at one time vowed to love, honor, and cherish, 'til death us do part - am now the person to whom he is indifferent.

And even though this life is the one I chose, that is a very sad feeling.

And this is called.......growing......

A while back, I met someone.

It was a chance meeting, and one that I thought wouldn't lead to anything in particular.

I was wrong.

Turns out, he is a truly wonderful guy. I was surprised by many things about him - his intelligence, his maturity, his insight, his wit, his sensitivity. As most women do (but few will admit to), I have a checklist for things I'm looking for in a man.......and this man hit the mark on everything except one (which was a non-issue).

We logged lots of emails, IMs, texts......and a phone call here and there. We went places, did things, spent time together. It was so much fun! I found myself becoming something I hadn't been in a long, long time......vulnerable. But, sometimes......vulnerability is okay.

We kept things casual..........no dating, no labels........but at times, there was affection. At times, there wasn't. At times, he'd look at me with longing. At times, he'd treat me like one of the guys. And that was okay.

Then, one day, he asked me about my expectations, what I was wanting to happen between us.

And I had no idea how to respond.

After much hemming and hawing, and basically thinking out loud, I explained that if he asked me out, I would say yes; but if he didn't, that was fine. I meant it, too.

Kindly, my new friend explained that he wasn't looking for anything more than friendship with me. He didn't want to lead me on or raise my hopes for something more. He wanted to keep our relationship as just friends.

And you know what? That's okay.

Last night, we spent some time together at a friend's birthday party. Knowing exactly where we - and I - stood made it possible for me to relax, be myself, and have a fabulous time. I could tell he was much more at ease as well. It's like the proverbial white elephant in the room had finally been acknowledged, thus removing its power over the situation.

There is a wonderful man out there whom I am meant to meet someday......one who will be as swept off his feet by me as I am of him........and we will be more than just friends. However, there is a wonderful man in my life right now who is a fabulous friend - he brings a unique point of view to how I view things, and he makes me laugh - and I couldn't be happier that we've met.

I believe this is called.....growing.

Justice, Mercy, and Grace

A few years ago, our preacher gave an incredible sermon, in which he gave the following definitions:

Justice is getting what you deserve.
Mercy is not getting what you deserve.
Grace is getting what you don't deserve.

I have not been having much success with my interpersonal relationships of late. In the past couple of weeks, I've tiffed with my best friend (this is so rare, it's noteworthy). I've hurt another friend's feelings by acting impulsively (though my intentions were good, they weren't well thought-out). Yet another person (in the cyberworld) stopped being my "friend", because I stood up to her about a REAL friend of mine. I seem to be having a hard time staying in-balance with those around me. It's incredibly frustrating.

Yet.

I'm working to view this challenging time as a learning opportunity.

It has been pointed out to me by many people that I could easily benefit by calming down. "CTFO" is my new personal motto (chill the f**k out). Friends have offered suggestions on how to measure situations against the grand scheme to see if things are worth getting upset over (usually, they're not).

It is my sincere hope and goal that I can learn to take more things in stride and be a calmer, more mellow person. I feel that if I can achieve that, then I will be a better friend. I will be able to think through things before blurting out words that I cannot take back. I can put myself in other peoples' shoes and see things through their eyes. I can be the friend - not that I would like to have - but rather, that my friends would like to have.

How does all of this relate to the sermon? Easy.

In the past, I think, I was quick to administer justice. If someone did something I didn't agree with, I was more than eager to give them what they deserved. Of course, in my own life, I would always hope for mercy.....I didn't want to be held accountable for my wrongs along the way. Who does?

Now, I want it to be all about grace. I want to be strong and mature enough to give those around me the kindness and compassion they may not deserve, but need. It's amazing how that grace can manifest itself. Grace may come in the form of biting my tongue, standing up for someone, listening without judging, or just being there in a time of need.

At the end of the day, it's easy to dole out justice, but it's so much more satisfying to offer grace.

Never Alone

This is a true account of what happened during my recent vacation. I have chosen to share this story because of how powerfully the experience moved me at a time when I was feeling particularly vulnerable. I respect each person's right to have their own beliefs, and I hope you will respect my right to mine.

~ C





As my friend and I made our way towards Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, I was consumed with the idea of once again playing in the ocean. The beach has always been a spiritual place for me. I try to go every couple of years or so to recharge my soul. There is something about the power of the ocean that brings me peace and perspective.

The past few years had been painful. A bitter divorce. Starting my life over. Job uncertainties. Loneliness. My faith had waned. I knew that God would never leave me, but I found myself leaving Him over and over again. I thought I could – should – handle everything on my own. If I was in charge, then the only one responsible for my happiness would be me. The more I felt alone, the easier I thought life would be.

We got to our hotel around 4:00, and by 4:30, we were on the beach. It was a picture perfect day – 88 degrees, not a cloud in the brilliant blue sky, and the ocean was glistening – beckoning me to come in.

I raced down to the surf and plunged into the ocean, willing my cares to be swept out to sea. However, I had grossly underestimated the power of the currents. A wave crashed over my head, knocking me to the shell-covered bottom. Before I could regain my footing, another wave swept over me, pinning me beneath the surface.

When the first wave knocked me down, I had instinctively reached up and grabbed my sunglasses, which I had worn into the surf, not anticipating going in more than waist-deep. When the second wave hit, I could feel my sunglasses being ripped from my hand. I fought to hold onto them. They may have been cheap and tacky, but I loved them! Suddenly, I heard a clear voice: “You can let go of your sunglasses, or you can let go of your life.” Startled, I uncurled my fingers from the sunglasses, just as wave number three bore down. Just as panic was about to set in, my friend reached for me with a strong arm and a sure hold, pulling me safely to shore. Shaken and embarrassed, I tried to play it cool. I commented that I was fine, but that my little adventure had cost me my favorite shades. I made a mental note to run by a store later that evening to replace them.

After a few more minutes of playing in the (ankle deep!) ocean, my friend and I decided to head for the hotel. As we turned to head in, my friend grabbed my arm, pointed, and said, “Look Carrie! Aren’t those your sunglasses?”

There, washed up on the beach without so much as a scratch, were my cheap and tacky sunglasses.

As I grabbed them up, I said a silent prayer of thanks…not that God had returned my sunglasses, but that He had shown me how He is there, even when I may not be.

Me, alone? Never.

I am thankful...........

Those of you who are my friends on myspace already know this about me - I keep a daily "thankful" blog. It's something I started about 8 months ago, when I was going through a tough patch in my life. Each evening, I reflect on 5 things for which I'm thankful each day.

I am leaving on a mini-vacay first thing tomorrow morning, so I themed tonight's blog about some of the trips I've been blessed to take over the years. I wanted to repost that blog here, with the hopes that you would share some of your favorite travel memories with me! I hope you enjoy. See you when I get home!

~ C


I am thankful...........8/28/08
Current mood: blessed
Category: Life


Hello!

Whew - down to the wire tonight! Since I am leaving on a mini-vacay in the morning, I thought I'd give thanks for some wonderful trips I've been fortunate to make over the years.

Today, I am thankful.............

................for the trip to Europe in 1991. My grandmother took my parents and me on a tour of Europe, and the highpoint was seeing the Passion Play in Germany. It truly was the trip of a lifetime.

................for the trip to Los Angeles in 1997. When Jim and I were dating, he took me to LA when I graduated from college. He said the ride from the airport to Simi Valley was spectacular, because it was the only time he could recall me actually being speechless. Heh. In spite of all of the flaws that ended our marriage, Jim and I made some fabulous trips together.

................for the band trip to Orlando our senior year of high school. Elisa and I got a room to ourselves and had the best time. Remember the "Picture Spots", Li Li? Remember using my leg as a guitar and head banging on the bus? How about being stunt chicks? Yeah, that was an awesome trip.

................for the trip to Paris for New Year's 1994. I was part of the Youth Music All-Stars band, and we were in two parades in France. Mock band geeks all you want...........we get to take the best trips! :P

................for the trip to New York City for Thanksgiving in 1995. I went with my parents, and my then-boyfriend came along. Waking up in my very own room in the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel on Thanksgiving morning........watching the Macy's Parade pass by from the sidewalks of Manhattan.........getting to see 4 Broadway shows in 3 days.........standing atop the Empire State Building at midnight with the snow falling.........this is probably my all-time favorite trip....so far!

I am very blessed to be traveling to the beach for a few days with my dear friend Lynn. I am looking forward to recharging my soul. I hope you have a lovely weekend. What are YOU thankful for?

Things I've learned along the way......

Some thoughts and observations, for no reason in particular..........

* Learn to laugh at yourself. Other people will be laughing at you, so you might as well join them!

* Find reasons to be thankful in all circumstances. It is the best mood elevator you will find.

* Quit worrying about what people think about you. Sing karaoke. Dance in public. Risk making a fool of yourself. If you sit on the sidelines, the only one who's losing out is you.

* Be with the person who makes you laugh, not who makes you cry.

* Realize that it's okay to have disagreements (okay, fights!) with your friends. The key is to work through the issues, agree to disagree, and move on. Don't dwell.

* You don't have to forget, but you do have to forgive.

* Pizza tastes best the next morning, out of the fridge.

* How badly you need to go is inversely proportional to the distance you are from a bathroom.

* When you are trying to impress a new visitor to your home, your pet will inevitably position themselves directly in front of said visitor and lavish their most disgusting parts with a sensual tongue bath.

* You are never as discreet as you believe you are.

* Mothers just know.

What have YOU learned along the way? Tell me! I wanna learn, too!

It's not me, it's you...and other things I wish I could say...

I hate that I am so incredibly polite sometimes. Really. Having been raised a "proper lady" in the South, I almost always bite my tongue or sugarcoat bad / awkward / uncomfortable news when it must be delivered. As a result, my tongue is nearly severed, and I am now writing this open letter to any and all possible men in my future.

Dear Prospective New Man in My Life,

Let's cut right to the chase. There are some things about me that you need to know, but which I'm scared to tell you. I hope that you are a mind-reader. It will come in handy. Here, in no particular order, is a cheat sheet of all the baffling things about me that you need to keep in mind.

* I'm pretty new at the dating thing. I dated and was married to my ex-husband for more than 10 years. The last time I seriously dated was in the mid-90's. Things have changed, and I have yet to figure out the new rules. I abhor games. If you say you're going to call, call. If I say I'm going to call, I'll call. I am an extremely black-and-white person, and I don't do well with shades of gray. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.....just don't say it mean! :)

* Speaking of games, let me be very clear on this point again - I detest games!!! If I like you, you will know it because I wear my feelings on my sleeve. If you like me, I expect that you will either tell me or demonstrate your affection in an obvious way. What I do NOT want is for you to lavish me with affection one day, and then run screaming the next without an explanation as to why. I'm a big girl. I can handle those 6 words made famous on SATC: "I'm just not that into you." I have much more respect for a man who is forthcoming with not-so-great news, than for one who hides his head in the sand and hopes the situation will take care of itself.

* I am an open book. I am not good at hiding my emotions, and I am not good at keeping my opinions to myself. I am strong in my convictions and will stand up for myself.

* Do not confuse my strength of conviction for cold-hearted bitch. I am incredibly vulnerable, and if you're lucky, you will get to see that vulnerability first hand. Having been separated and divorced for 2.5 years, I have become very independent. I am used to opening my own doors, carrying my own groceries, supporting myself financially, and solving my own problems. HOWEVER!!!! Please indulge the very womanly side of me by offering to do these chivalrous gestures for me. I love to be romanced. I'm not into PC bullshit. I will not be offended if you help me into the car or offer to buy me dinner. I only ask that you not take offense when I sometimes beat you to the punch, as it's been a long time since I've depended on anyone but myself.

* I have a life of my own, but when I get involved with you in a new relationship, I make room for you in it. This does not mean that my life has suddenly become all about you and that I have given up my identity. It is simply me putting myself out there the only way I know how. You will learn that I am the girl who gives 110% of herself for her friends, and you are now my friend. That does not make me a doormat. I feel strongly that we are all put on this earth to take care of one another, and I am an incredibly giving person. I hope that you are strong enough to not be threatened by my desires to help you, and I hope that you will offer your help in return.

* Be who you are, and be it 100%. I promise to do the same in return.

* Realize that, when you and I are first getting to know each other, I will probably freak out and obsess over conversations that we've had, and try to discern every possible hidden meaning of every word you've uttered. That's part of being a chick. We all do it. Why do you think women go to the restroom in packs? It's to have intense "what did he mean by that?" conversations! Silly? Of course. Reality? Yep.

* Most importantly, realize that I am the eternal optimist. I have loved, lost, loved again, and lost some more. However, I *still* believe in love. I even have a personal saying: "I still believe in fairy tales, once upon a time, and happily ever after." That is NOT to be confused with a complete lack of understanding of reality. I know that life is not a fairy tale. I know that each relationship will have its own unique set of challenges, trying times, pitfalls, and other unpleasantness. What I also know, though, is that - should I be lucky enough to find my Prince Charming - the good will outweigh the bad, and I will be able to write my own fairy tale, with my own version of "happily ever after".

So that's it. Have I scared you completely away? I hope not. That was never the intent. I just wanted you to have a glimpse into the real me.

Sincerely,
Me

Breaking the addiction

There are all kinds of habits and addictions that people struggle with.

Drugs.

Alcohol.

Violence.

Money.

Sex.

Often, these addictions go hand-in-hand with one another. Even more often, the addict doesn't even realize that he's addicted to his vice(s) of choice. All the addict knows is there's a pattern and habit to his behaviors, and there's a heady rush as a payoff for the choices he's making.

So. How to break the habit and kick the addiction?

First - figure out why you're addicted in the first place. Have you become comfortable and complacent with the status quo? Is the payoff worth the risk? Are you masking pain? Are you motivated by fear? Are you unwilling to let go of the version of your past that you're seeing through rose-colored glasses?

It's very hard to let go of addictive behavior if you don't have something - or someone - new to put in its place. This is why you see so many people who are trying to quit smoking going around with suckers in their mouths. Alcoholics and drug addicts go to meetings to replace their addictions.

What happens when your addiction is not a thing, but rather, a someone?

I've been there.

Even when I knew I was in a relationship that was horrible for me, it took me a long, long time to walk away, and even longer to stop the contact. I was convinced that, without my husband, I would essentially cease to exist. My life was his life. My plans were his plans. He knew me better than I knew myself. I thought our lives were unbreakably intertwined with one another's. Even when I moved out, we stayed in close contact. We became closer after the separation than we had been married.

However.

After time, distance, and new people in my life, I finally realized I had to let go of my addiction to him. It wasn't so much that I wanted to BE with my ex-husband; rather, it was a habit that I had been in for more than 10 years. With my ex, I didn't have to learn anything new. I didn't have to try. I didn't have to open myself up to vulnerability, scrutiny, rejection, and all of the other scary things that go with moving on.

And how very sad that I wasted so much time with that habit and addiction.

Moving on wasn't easy, but it was worth it.

My name is Carrie, and I'm a recovered addict.

Life has come full circle

I love irony. Few things amuse me more than watching Karma work her magic in my life, and in the lives of others. Recently, my life has come full circle, and the irony involved is un-friggin'-believable.

First, as everyone knows, I've been testing the waters in the dating world again......usually with rather hysterical outcomes. Recently I went out with a guy who shared the same name (first AND last) as one of the very first boys I ever dated (about 15 years ago!!!). Weird. Very, very weird. It was like déjà vu all over again!

Second (and this is the truly ironic part).........the awkward-and-never-publicly-recognized-event-of-2007 ended, well, awkwardly last winter. I had to face the fact that he was crazy for someone, but that someone wasn't me. For a long time, I struggled to see things from the other woman's perspective. As good 'ole irony would have it, I now have first hand experience in this. I got the chance to slip into her shoes (albeit, the cast members were much different this time around!). Being a newcomer to an established relationship between 2 people can be incredibly tricky for all parties. I learned a lot from the mistakes I made many months ago, and I was able to use that knowledge in the latter scenario. I have a newfound understanding and appreciation for all that transpired.

Third - and finally - the aforementioned fella (from 2007). I hadn't seen him in months, and then I did. I was surprised to realize I didn't feel anything towards him. No love. No anger. No longing. No let-me-punch-you-in-the-face. Nothing. I felt, "wow. We both survived and moved on. He's happy. I'm happy. He's okay. I'm okay." And you know what? It really is.

Irony is the great equalizer.

Clear as mud? I thought so.

I am SUCH a dirty girl! ;)

Come now, dear readers.......you didn't think I would be blogging about my freaky-ness, now did you? Hahahahahahaha.




Witness proof that the pampered, pristine, princess Carrie can - in fact - roll up her sleeves, do actual work, and manage to get her hands dirty every once in a while. We are smack dab in the middle of our annual physical inventory at work, and it's an "all hands on deck" situation. Everyone pitches in and counts. Everyone. Even me. Shocking, I know. That other picture....well....did you ever wonder what 300 O-Rings look like? Wonder no more. The picture of me with the black hands? Yep, that's courtesy of those stupid O-Rings. Ugh.

I truly was a dirty girl.

Heh.

For those of you who thought the title of this blog might offer more, errrr, interesting reading.......don't fear. There is new excitement in my life. The kind of excitement that has me flushed and giggly and consumed with inappropriate thoughts at inopportune times. The kind of excitement that led me to make an impromptu decision yesterday that led to a very late night last night (after the requisite appearance at my Dad's birthday party, of course!).

The kind of excitement that would make dirty girls proud.

;)

Give us this day, our daily rants.....

I need to vent. Rant, really. I'm not annoyed by anything in particular, yet I'm annoyed by everything right now. Sometimes I think I must be the only person in the world to be bothered by some of these things. We all have our things that annoy / irritate / perplex us. Here are a few of mine:

* I get annoyed when the congregation at my church breaks into applause. Seriously. I attend a formal, conservative church. We had a lovely guest soloist this morning, and when she finished her song, I was thinking about how serene I felt, and how there was an atmosphere of holiness surrounding me. Then everyone started clapping. It's CHURCH, people...not a talent show. I'm there to worship - not feel like I'm witnessing American Idol.

* Kids who speak with poor grammar grate on my nerves. Recently, I was in a situation where there were lots of kids - ages 3-10 - running around everywhere. One asked another where the juice could be found. "We ain't got none" was the reply from the mouth of a 5 year old. :::shiver:::

* General passive-aggressiveness. I know, I know - I have been guilty of this myself. To quote Addison Montgomery on Grey's, "There is a land called Passive Aggressivia, and I am their queen." Still. It annoys me to witness it, especially amongst people who are well past the age of 38. If you have something to say to someone, man-up, grow a set, and SAY IT!!! Don't rely on social networking sites and/or other people to be your indirect messenger. Nothing gets resolved that way......and now that I'm pissed, it probably never will. (Okay, so this is more a situation-specific rant rather than a generality.......)

* Political campaign ads on television. Need I say more?

* Temps in the 90s, with 85% humidity. Also known as summer in East Tennessee.

* Why is it that, no matter how much money I spend buying all of the same products my stylist uses, I can NEVER get my hair to look as fabulous as she can? I feel strongly that this is directly related to the previous bullet point, but still.......

* There will never be a day that I am okay with seeing people misuse words like "your" and "you're", "to" and "too", "there" and "their". Cringe-worthy.

Okay. I feel better. It was good to get that off my chest.

What weird stuff bugs you? Tell me. We're in the trust tree, I promise.

Cheese and rice, indeed.......

From urbandictionary.com:

cheese and rice - This is a less offensive way of saying "Jesus Christ"

It originated with the movie 'The Faculty'. In the real version, one of the characters exclaimed "Jesus Christ!" but in the edited TV version, they had it changed to "Cheese and rice!"

Guy #1: Aliens landed on Earth!
Guy #2: Cheese and rice!


So there I was, minding my own business.....happily whiling the hours away by doing everything and nothing online. All three kitties were in my office with me, when Jasmine started doing her "I see something interesting" chirp, which is usually reserved for birds.

I turned to glance out the window where she was busily chirping, and the blood literally drained from my body and I yelled my own version of "cheese and rice" (think - less food, more profanity).

There, attached to my window screen, was the biggest, ugliest, scariest looking bug I've ever seen. I have no clue what this bastard is. Probably something innocuous, like a cicada or some crap like that.

No matter.

I. HATE. BUGS.

I am literally paralyzed with fear around bugs.

I have actually forgone social activities because of the threat of bugs (either real or imagined!!).

Camping? Pfftttt. Not if my life depended on it.

Don't believe me about this phobia? Ask my good friend Lynn, who I roused from a deep slumber in the middle of the night many years ago to drive to my house and squish a spider for me. Nevermind that she had to drag her stepson out of bed on a schoolnight and bring him with her, lest he be left home alone.

When it comes to bugs, I am a pansy. And I am okay with that.

Now, if you need me, I shall be under my covers in the fetal position, a can of Raid in each hand, offering a silent prayer to Our Lady of Xanex.......

Big Girls DO Cry

From Fergie......

"The path that I'm walking, I must go alone.
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown.
Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay.

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you.
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do.
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry"

Oh, dear readers.........if only it were that easy. I wish I could tell myself not to cry, and that myself would listen.

Big girls DO cry.

Big girls still get their feelings hurt and their hearts broken.

Big girls still look at the past through rose-colored glasses and only see the good, never the bad.

Big girls still wonder "what if?" and never think "I'm lucky to have gotten out."

Big girls still drive themselves crazy all this time later by noticing significant dates on the calendar and remember how it used to be.

Big girls sometimes envy little girls, whose bruises and hurts could be easily remedied with a kiss and hug from Mom.

Big girls want to know when these feelings will finally stop.

Big girls DO cry.

I've seen life from both sides now

I had a major victory in this thing called life yesterday. I conquered my long-held fear of big dogs. These pictures are of me with my friend's dog, Sulley. He is an 8-month old, 87 pound Alaskan Malamute. He's huge.

I haven't always been afraid of dogs. However, I was bitten twice as a teenager - one of the bites required stitches. Ever since then, I've been incredibly nervous around dogs, especially large breeds. During my recovery from ankle surgery, I spent hours watching the "Dog Whisperer" on television. Everything he said made sense, and I learned some techniques that I was able to practice with Sulley yesterday. They worked beautifully, and I was able to surrender to the experience of being completely in-the-moment with a large breed dog.

There is a fantastic lesson there.

When we get hurt in life, it is very easy to withdraw into ourselves. We can easily slip into a self-protective mode. It's easier to avoid those things which have traditionally been painful - no matter how much joy they could potentially bring us - just because we are scared of what might happen.

A life lived in fear is a life not lived.

When we are able to surrender to our fears and come out on the other side, there is a whole new world waiting to be enjoyed.

I know.

Just ask Sulley.

What Hurts the Most

I've been thinking a lot lately about fairy tales. There are a number of reasons for this: one of my nicknames is "Princess" (well, I *am* one!); I still believe in once upon a time and happily ever after; and fairy tales usually work out splendidly.

There's the rub.

There is a situation in my life that, no matter how I try, I don't think it will get wrapped up nicely with a big, red bow. Instead, I'm finding myself relating to the princess in "The Princess and the Pea". While these particular circumstances in my life are tiny - minuscule - barely more than a blip on the radar, they are enough to make me very uncomfortable and constantly aware of their effects on my life.

I am not a perfect person. I never have been. I never will be. I have hurt people before, and I have offered my apologies. People have hurt me before, and they have offered their apologies.

Yet.

Every now and again, someone will come along and reopen the lines of communication. I don't know if this is motivated by guilt, morbid curiosity, genuine caring and concern, or what. Since I am intrinsically a nice person and want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, I am usually willing to listen. I know all too well what it means to have something you need to say, but have the person you need to say it to refuse to listen. It's heartbreaking. I vowed never to be that person. If someone has something to say to me, I want them to be able to say it.

What hurts the most, though, is when I've offered genuine forgiveness and extended an olive branch in good faith, only to have the door cruelly slammed one more time on me. There's a difference - in me - of being humble, being vulnerable, and being a doormat. Lately, I feel like a doormat. I don't like it. I am a person who needs answers - no matter if I'll like them or not. I need clarity amidst complexity. I'm a black and white person. I don't deal well with shades of gray.

I need peace.

I don't know what the answer is. Despite all of my feelings, I will still never turn my back on people. That's the nurturing side of me coming through. I just wish that people could nurture me in return.

When you're in a romantic relationship with someone, and it comes to an end, there's a grieving process. However, most of the time, there are clear reasons why the relationship has ended.

Not so simple with other relationships. There's no "How To" manual for walking away from friends. There's no support group for people who have had their friends taken away from them. There's no way to describe the loneliness that comes when you think of the missed opportunities for making memories with the ones you used to be so close to.

There should be.

There are 2 people from my past who I miss so very much. I can't change the things which have transpired. I just wish I could change how much I care.

Love You Forever

There is a wonderful children's book called "Love You Forever". I first became familiar with it when I was in college studying Early Childhood Education. It's a timeless classic about the unconditional love between a mother and her son.

I thought of that book tonight - in particular, the cover art. As you can see, a mischievous toddler has gotten into antics in the bathroom, leaving a wake behind him.

I came home tonight to find a similar scene.

My furry, four-legged "toddler" (Mr. Big) has discovered the joys of playing with toilet paper. Life shall never be the same.

Great Expectations

I've been thinking a lot lately about expectations. Expectations I have of myself. Expectations I have of others. Expectations I have of situations. Expectations in general.

I have always thought that, if we communicate our expectations to others, then they will invariably strive to meet those expectations. For example - I *expect* others to treat each other well and with kindness, as that is how I try to always treat others. I'm not perfect - I fail occasionally - but I do make a concerted effort to live by the proverbial "Golden Rule".

Lately, however, I've been finding myself disappointed. There are people that surround me.......personally, professionally, and everywhere in between.......that continually miss the mark when it comes to what I expect of them. It's not huge things....an unreturned phone call, not doing what I've asked of them at work, being blatantly rude to me at the pool where I live (but that's a whole other blog!). It's always been easy for me to take these infractions very personally.

However...

It occurred to me this morning that, perhaps, my expectations of others are skewed to the high side. It takes all different types of people to make up this world. Some are nicer than others. Some are more conscientious than others. Some are more dependable than others. Some are better friends than others. Yet, without the questionable people we encounter, would it be possible to truly appreciate the great people in our lives? Probably not.

To say I'm going to lower my expectations of others is a bit much - I *am* the eternal optimist, after all! But...I'm going to try not to be so surprised or disappointed when those expectations aren't met to my standards. I've said it before, and I'll say it again - you never know what demons other people are battling. By expecting that others could always use one more compassionate, understanding person in their life, I am freed to be the kindness they may so desperately need.

In the end, only kindness matters

I've been having an interesting email exchange with a friend of mine tonight, and it's gotten me to thinking:

When did being kind become the exception, not the rule?

I like to think of myself as a generally kind person, though I'm sure there are those who would beg to differ. I cannot, however, be deliberately mean or unkind to others just for the heck of it. I don't understand those who can.

The negative energy that is wasted when we focus on pettiness, shrewdness, talking behind the backs of others, and so on, is palpable in today's world. There is enough unpleasantness in this world without us having to make an effort to contribute to it.

Instead of always dwelling on the negative or spinning situations to extract the worst, why not act with kindness? Take the higher road. Be the bigger person.

Call to check on your friends. Send angel kisses via texts. Send a quick email just to say hello. You never know what demons other people are facing. In their life, you may be the only positive encounter they have that day.

You have a choice.

Choose kindness.

You have GOT to be kidding me......

Dating is hell. Period. I am honestly trying to figure out why I'm so intent on getting "back into the dating scene" after a particularly harrowing first date on Friday night.

It began innocently enough with exchanged "winks" online. Winks turned into IMs. IMs turned into emails. Emails turned into phone calls. True, there were a couple of minor red flags during these exchanges (do I really need to know about your Poughkeepsie experience during our first conversation? Really?), but I chalked it up to his nerves and bravely accepted his dinner invitation for Friday evening.

I was so excited. First dates hold so much promise! I bought nay one, but three new outfits for the occasion. I changed my hair appointment from Saturday to Wednesday. I shaved my legs. I was optimistic!

We met for dinner at my favorite Italian restaurant. He looked harmless enough....clean clothes, combed hair, all of his teeth......we ordered our dinner and began the ritual of getting to know each other. I said, "so tell me more about yourself." I didn't realize it was a trick question. He asked me for my phone (MY phone!!!) and called a 60-year old, female friend of his in Michigan (I can only assume he didn't want to waste HIS minutes) and said, "hi. I'm on a date, and this lady has just asked me to describe myself. I'm not sure what to say. Can you please talk to her?" I suddenly felt as if this guy was competing on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire", and he was dialing his Phone-a-Friend!! How can someone NOT know how to describe themselves? Whatever. Strike one.

At the end of our meal, Nervous Guy excused himself to go to the Men's Room. He was gone and gone and gone and gone. I really and truly thought he had ditched me....not that I would have been upset. Since I didn't want to stiff the restaurant, I proceeded to pay our bill ($45). Coincidentally, Nervous Guy returned as soon as my credit card had been processed. I told him that I had paid, and he stammered, "uh, thanks! That's so thoughtful of you." Thoughtful?!?! You asked ME out! Sigh. Strike two.

As we were leaving, Nervous Guy suggested we go to Barnes & Noble. This, apparently, is the height of entertainment for him. I asked him over dinner - "do you like to go dancing?" His response: "No. I tried it once in college, and it wasn't for me." I tried it once in college?? Newsflash: dancing is not a drug. Anyhoo.........we went to Barnes & Noble, and I was immediately struck that he was carrying in 2 black bags. I asked him what he had. His laptop, he responded. Okay. We got inside, found some chairs, and he did, in fact, take out his laptop and begin surfing the internet. He also produced a nifty little cushion to sit on (imagine a cushion used for someone post-keyster surgery). As he's sitting there on his geriatric cushion, playing with the computer, I said, "don't you want to chat?" "No, I'm good" was the response. Seriously? You drove an hour to meet me, and you don't even want to talk to me? Strike three.

At 10:55 pm, it was announced that the store would be closing at 11:00 pm. We were sitting in the back of the store, and I had a purchase I wanted to make. I told Nervous Guy that I'd go on up to the front and he could meet me there. He told me not to worry about hurrying, that the store wouldn't kick us out at 11:00, and it would be fine to stay until 11:15 or so. Um, no. That's just rude. Those people want to go home! Rather than make a scene, I just went on up to the front, paid for my book, and went outside. The manager on duty was holding the doors open, waiting to lock up. She couldn't do that until Nervous Guy (who at this point became Annoying Guy) left the store. At 11:10, I apologized to her, told her to relay to him that I'd gone to my car, and set off for the parking lot, where I had to fight every urge in my body to put my car in "drive" and flee. Annoying Guy didn't come out until 11:15. I couldn't believe his complete lack of social skills and common decency. Strike four.

When he finally emerged from B&N, Annoying Guy suggested that we wrap up the evening at Starbucks. Fine. I figured he could buy me tea and dessert since I sprung for dinner. We arrived at Starbucks at 11:30. Once again, he brought in the laptop and cushion (I was getting a complex at this point). He did pay for my tea, but this is the final point that pushed me over the edge: the total for my tea was $2.03. He handed the cashier a 5-dollar bill, and then took 3 pennies out of the crippled children's fund!!!! That is just tacky!!!!! Strikes five through infinity.

When Starbucks closed at midnight (and yes, he wanted to stay inside until 12:15, but management kicked him out), I couldn't wait to get out of there. I quickly bid him goodbye and good riddance. I had wondered at first why a 40 year old man had never been married. I wonder no more.

My So-Called Charmed Life

I want so desperately for people to think that I'm composed, well-educated, polished, impeccably mannered, impossibly refined, and all around stunning.

Yeah, that's never gonna happen.

Witness not one, but two things which occurred in the past 24 hours to lend credence to my last statement (and realize I share these horrors with you, and no one else!).

First example of how I am the opposite of a genius. Last night, I prepared for bed as usual, and donned my typical going-to-bed attire, which is grannies and a tank top. I dress for comfort, thank you. I had trouble falling asleep - something just didn't seem right, yet I couldn't figure it out......until this morning, when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Yeah, wearing your grannies inside-out is fabulous. Sigh.

However, the next tale of shame is even better.

Again - before I ventured to bed last night, I was viciously attacked by a rabid mosquito. I was bitten several times on my leg, and the itching was driving me mad. I stumbled into my bathroom, flung open my drawer o' meds, and grabbed a tube of "Anti-Itch Cream". The tube was pink and white, so I figured it was generic Benedryl cream. I rubbed a huge glob into the offending bites, wondering only briefly why the cream had a tannish-tint and smelled mildly flowery. That's when I saw the microscopic print: "Compare to the active ingredients in Vagisil!!".

Yikes. I'm so glad I won't have to worry about a yeast infection on my calf.

I seriously lead a charmed life. Seriously.

Footprints on my heart

I've spent the past few hours out here in cyberspace......playing around on the various sites I frequent: myspace, gmail, twitter, blogspot. It's gotten me to thinking.......

.........I was messaging some of my friends on myspace tonight, and I had a realization. I am very, very close to some fabulous people (Hollie, Keesha, Jan, Melissa, Marla, and countless others). These are women whom I can be myself with. I have shared my darkest secrets, most painful hurts, and elaborate joys with them. I say prayers for these ladies and their families. I celebrate with them. I grieve with them. I encourage them.

I have never met them in person. Ever.

I am amazed at the true friendships I have been blessed to find, all thanks to the internet. My friends, I hope to someday meet you all in person. Thank you for making my journey in life easier.

These restless days

I'm restless. I've been restless for some time now. I thought, perhaps, it was something else.....depression, confusion, boredom. No. I'm restless.

I'm ready to get on with my life. There's so much I want to do! Photography classes. More introspective writing. Fall in love. Travel. Learn a new language. Buy a fabulous condo.

During my recovery from surgery, I've had way too much time to just sit and think. It's funny - I've never been more desperate to lay in the sun or go swimming than since I've been in my cast! Just another fine example of feeling restless.

I've been having some interesting conversations lately with someone involving personality typing according to the Myers-Briggs test. This person remained convinced I was one personality, and I remained convinced I was another. I settled it today - and I was right. It's really gotten me to thinking, though: how could I project one personality type so clearly to someone who is just getting to know me, yet really and truly be something else? Does that mean I have 2 personalities (some might agree with that!)? Does it mean that my personality is evolving? Perhaps. I think that it's entirely possible - even probable - to have aspects of our personality be in constant growth and evolution. It's called learning from our past.

At any rate.

I'm restless.

What IS it with midgets?

So, my favorite salesman comes into my office on Friday, and we have this conversation:

him: "Carrie! I'm so excited!!! Mini KISS is coming to Harrah's on July 3rd!!! I just made a reservation! I'm leaving work early so I can be first in line!!!"

me: "WTF is Mini KISS?"

him: "How can you not know what Mini KISS is???"

me: "Seriously?"

him: "I see your point. Mini KISS is just what it sounds like - it's a KISS impersonation band made up entirely of midgets!!! I'll send you their picture!!!"

I immediately fell out of my chair and laughed my friggin' ass off. See attached.

Growth and Grace

Life is so funny in the lessons it chooses to teach us. Life. Karma. God. All synonymous with "what goes around, comes around." Sometimes I have to remind myself to step back, take a deep breath, and reflect on the bigger picture. It is only when I do that, that I'm able to learn and grow.

Witness my growth today.

I discovered that I can empower myself richly and immediately out here in cyberspace..........all by deftly wielding the tiny but powerful "delete" key.

Delete. Not a particularly pleasant word. It usually has some sort of negativity associated with it. I've always felt bad about deleting people / comments / etc. from my webpages, blogs, etc. I don't know why - it's cyberspace, for crying out loud! Nonetheless, I've always held on to people that I shouldn't, for fear of either missing something or hurting their feelings.

That changed today.

Like it or not, it's a fact that we all have people in our lives - for whatever reason - that serve more to bring us down rather than build us up. Sometimes we're connected to them by blood, sometimes by marriage, and other times by weird circumstances of the universe. What I grew into today, though - and for what I'm very thankful for - is this: as I grow and evolve, I'm giving myself permission to shed negative layers of my old self. That means not living in the past, and not holding on to unrealistic expectations of others. Sad as it may be, sometimes friendships end. And when that happens..........remember that you have a choice in how you handle it.

I'm handling it with grace.