Cheese and rice, indeed.......

From urbandictionary.com:

cheese and rice - This is a less offensive way of saying "Jesus Christ"

It originated with the movie 'The Faculty'. In the real version, one of the characters exclaimed "Jesus Christ!" but in the edited TV version, they had it changed to "Cheese and rice!"

Guy #1: Aliens landed on Earth!
Guy #2: Cheese and rice!


So there I was, minding my own business.....happily whiling the hours away by doing everything and nothing online. All three kitties were in my office with me, when Jasmine started doing her "I see something interesting" chirp, which is usually reserved for birds.

I turned to glance out the window where she was busily chirping, and the blood literally drained from my body and I yelled my own version of "cheese and rice" (think - less food, more profanity).

There, attached to my window screen, was the biggest, ugliest, scariest looking bug I've ever seen. I have no clue what this bastard is. Probably something innocuous, like a cicada or some crap like that.

No matter.

I. HATE. BUGS.

I am literally paralyzed with fear around bugs.

I have actually forgone social activities because of the threat of bugs (either real or imagined!!).

Camping? Pfftttt. Not if my life depended on it.

Don't believe me about this phobia? Ask my good friend Lynn, who I roused from a deep slumber in the middle of the night many years ago to drive to my house and squish a spider for me. Nevermind that she had to drag her stepson out of bed on a schoolnight and bring him with her, lest he be left home alone.

When it comes to bugs, I am a pansy. And I am okay with that.

Now, if you need me, I shall be under my covers in the fetal position, a can of Raid in each hand, offering a silent prayer to Our Lady of Xanex.......

Big Girls DO Cry

From Fergie......

"The path that I'm walking, I must go alone.
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown.
Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay.

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you.
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do.
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry"

Oh, dear readers.........if only it were that easy. I wish I could tell myself not to cry, and that myself would listen.

Big girls DO cry.

Big girls still get their feelings hurt and their hearts broken.

Big girls still look at the past through rose-colored glasses and only see the good, never the bad.

Big girls still wonder "what if?" and never think "I'm lucky to have gotten out."

Big girls still drive themselves crazy all this time later by noticing significant dates on the calendar and remember how it used to be.

Big girls sometimes envy little girls, whose bruises and hurts could be easily remedied with a kiss and hug from Mom.

Big girls want to know when these feelings will finally stop.

Big girls DO cry.

I've seen life from both sides now

I had a major victory in this thing called life yesterday. I conquered my long-held fear of big dogs. These pictures are of me with my friend's dog, Sulley. He is an 8-month old, 87 pound Alaskan Malamute. He's huge.

I haven't always been afraid of dogs. However, I was bitten twice as a teenager - one of the bites required stitches. Ever since then, I've been incredibly nervous around dogs, especially large breeds. During my recovery from ankle surgery, I spent hours watching the "Dog Whisperer" on television. Everything he said made sense, and I learned some techniques that I was able to practice with Sulley yesterday. They worked beautifully, and I was able to surrender to the experience of being completely in-the-moment with a large breed dog.

There is a fantastic lesson there.

When we get hurt in life, it is very easy to withdraw into ourselves. We can easily slip into a self-protective mode. It's easier to avoid those things which have traditionally been painful - no matter how much joy they could potentially bring us - just because we are scared of what might happen.

A life lived in fear is a life not lived.

When we are able to surrender to our fears and come out on the other side, there is a whole new world waiting to be enjoyed.

I know.

Just ask Sulley.

What Hurts the Most

I've been thinking a lot lately about fairy tales. There are a number of reasons for this: one of my nicknames is "Princess" (well, I *am* one!); I still believe in once upon a time and happily ever after; and fairy tales usually work out splendidly.

There's the rub.

There is a situation in my life that, no matter how I try, I don't think it will get wrapped up nicely with a big, red bow. Instead, I'm finding myself relating to the princess in "The Princess and the Pea". While these particular circumstances in my life are tiny - minuscule - barely more than a blip on the radar, they are enough to make me very uncomfortable and constantly aware of their effects on my life.

I am not a perfect person. I never have been. I never will be. I have hurt people before, and I have offered my apologies. People have hurt me before, and they have offered their apologies.

Yet.

Every now and again, someone will come along and reopen the lines of communication. I don't know if this is motivated by guilt, morbid curiosity, genuine caring and concern, or what. Since I am intrinsically a nice person and want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, I am usually willing to listen. I know all too well what it means to have something you need to say, but have the person you need to say it to refuse to listen. It's heartbreaking. I vowed never to be that person. If someone has something to say to me, I want them to be able to say it.

What hurts the most, though, is when I've offered genuine forgiveness and extended an olive branch in good faith, only to have the door cruelly slammed one more time on me. There's a difference - in me - of being humble, being vulnerable, and being a doormat. Lately, I feel like a doormat. I don't like it. I am a person who needs answers - no matter if I'll like them or not. I need clarity amidst complexity. I'm a black and white person. I don't deal well with shades of gray.

I need peace.

I don't know what the answer is. Despite all of my feelings, I will still never turn my back on people. That's the nurturing side of me coming through. I just wish that people could nurture me in return.

When you're in a romantic relationship with someone, and it comes to an end, there's a grieving process. However, most of the time, there are clear reasons why the relationship has ended.

Not so simple with other relationships. There's no "How To" manual for walking away from friends. There's no support group for people who have had their friends taken away from them. There's no way to describe the loneliness that comes when you think of the missed opportunities for making memories with the ones you used to be so close to.

There should be.

There are 2 people from my past who I miss so very much. I can't change the things which have transpired. I just wish I could change how much I care.

Love You Forever

There is a wonderful children's book called "Love You Forever". I first became familiar with it when I was in college studying Early Childhood Education. It's a timeless classic about the unconditional love between a mother and her son.

I thought of that book tonight - in particular, the cover art. As you can see, a mischievous toddler has gotten into antics in the bathroom, leaving a wake behind him.

I came home tonight to find a similar scene.

My furry, four-legged "toddler" (Mr. Big) has discovered the joys of playing with toilet paper. Life shall never be the same.

Great Expectations

I've been thinking a lot lately about expectations. Expectations I have of myself. Expectations I have of others. Expectations I have of situations. Expectations in general.

I have always thought that, if we communicate our expectations to others, then they will invariably strive to meet those expectations. For example - I *expect* others to treat each other well and with kindness, as that is how I try to always treat others. I'm not perfect - I fail occasionally - but I do make a concerted effort to live by the proverbial "Golden Rule".

Lately, however, I've been finding myself disappointed. There are people that surround me.......personally, professionally, and everywhere in between.......that continually miss the mark when it comes to what I expect of them. It's not huge things....an unreturned phone call, not doing what I've asked of them at work, being blatantly rude to me at the pool where I live (but that's a whole other blog!). It's always been easy for me to take these infractions very personally.

However...

It occurred to me this morning that, perhaps, my expectations of others are skewed to the high side. It takes all different types of people to make up this world. Some are nicer than others. Some are more conscientious than others. Some are more dependable than others. Some are better friends than others. Yet, without the questionable people we encounter, would it be possible to truly appreciate the great people in our lives? Probably not.

To say I'm going to lower my expectations of others is a bit much - I *am* the eternal optimist, after all! But...I'm going to try not to be so surprised or disappointed when those expectations aren't met to my standards. I've said it before, and I'll say it again - you never know what demons other people are battling. By expecting that others could always use one more compassionate, understanding person in their life, I am freed to be the kindness they may so desperately need.

In the end, only kindness matters

I've been having an interesting email exchange with a friend of mine tonight, and it's gotten me to thinking:

When did being kind become the exception, not the rule?

I like to think of myself as a generally kind person, though I'm sure there are those who would beg to differ. I cannot, however, be deliberately mean or unkind to others just for the heck of it. I don't understand those who can.

The negative energy that is wasted when we focus on pettiness, shrewdness, talking behind the backs of others, and so on, is palpable in today's world. There is enough unpleasantness in this world without us having to make an effort to contribute to it.

Instead of always dwelling on the negative or spinning situations to extract the worst, why not act with kindness? Take the higher road. Be the bigger person.

Call to check on your friends. Send angel kisses via texts. Send a quick email just to say hello. You never know what demons other people are facing. In their life, you may be the only positive encounter they have that day.

You have a choice.

Choose kindness.