So long, 2008

Ah, 2008. What a beast you have been. As I write this entry on the last day of this year, I am not the least bit sad to see you go. In the history of me, you made the top three list in "worst / hardest / saddest years of my life". How d'ya like THEM apples? Hmmm?

Granted - not everything was bad, 2008. New friends came into my life when I needed them most. Strength was acquired from reserves in me that I never knew existed. Lessons - hard lessons - were learned. Forgiveness was granted, both by me and to me. I fell down many times, but kept getting up on my (sometimes shaky) feet.

But 2008, in many other ways, you kicked my ass and had your way with me during the past 365 days (we got 1 extra day because of Leap Year. Lucky us.). There was the saga of the ankle injury, ultimately resulting in surgery. There was the bout of pneumonia over my birthday (thanks for the great timing). There was the whole stress of THE incident (I trust you know what I'm talking about....no need to divulge details). And of course......there was the uproarious joke of me re-entering the world of dating. 2008, you had a wicked sense of humor. Prior to this year, the last time I really "dated" was in 1996. Many laughs were had - both BY me and AT me - in regards to this debacle. Thanks for that.

So, 2008, I hope you'll understand why I'm so eager to bid you farewell. It's nothing personal. It's just.....I need more out of my years. While I don't subscribe to the notion of "resolutions", there are some changes I'll be implementing in 2009. Simply, I'm just going to do things better. Not "try". "Do". I'm GOING to eat healthier foods. I'm GOING to make exercise my friend. I'm GOING to get out of my house more. I'm GOING to be the change I long to see in my life. The role of 2009 will be simple: God willing, I will be provided with the days in which to DO more good.

Alright, 2008. That's all I've got to say. While I appreciate your visit, it's really time for you to be going. Here, let me get that door for you......

Compliments of...........

When was the last time you received a compliment? A real, genuine compliment? Been stopped a complete stranger to have them say a few nice words to you? Mark Twain once said that he could "live for two weeks on a good compliment." My best friend and I were blessed to receive a touching compliment today.

As I do every Thursday, I had lunch with my best friend. And, as we do every Thursday, we talked incessently about what was going on in our lives. We each have struggles, frustrations, and challenges we face.......yet we always end up laughing to the point of tears. Today was no exception. Whether it was the bestest's story about her previous night's rehearsal, or my own quip about the joke my Dad played on me today, we found ourselves laughing constantly as we shared our meal.

When the older couple in the booth behind us got up to leave, the lady approached us. She said, "In these trying days that we live in, it sure is nice to go out in public and still hear people sharing the joy of laughter. Thank you for making our lunch so great!"

By doing what best friends naturally do when they're together - giggle a bit too loudly - we had inadvertently brightened someone's day. However, the joy this kind stranger showed to us by taking the time to pay us such a lovely compliment can't be measured.

When somebody touches your life in some small way - tell them! It takes just a few seconds, but the memory of the compliment will last longer than you'll know.

My own worst enemy

It is entirely possible that, in this scary world of dating, I am my own worst enemy. I am the girl that is really good at giving wise and sound advice to her friends, but fails miserably in taking that advice herself.

Why am I like this? More than one person has commented lately that I have a tendency to project negative feelings on my new relationships (i.e. "I'm so gonna jinx this"..."I know I'll find a way to screw this up"...etc.). It is a bad habit that I need to work on, but it's hard to shake years of history, ya know?

Another thing that sabotages me is my lack of patience. I have never been the girl who plays it cool and just "waits to see what will happen." Again - this is something I'm working on, but it's killing me!! When I meet someone I like, it drives me nuts to not know for sure what his feelings are on the matter. After a couple of dates, I have to sit on my hands to keep myself from texting or IMing someone to see if they had as much fun as I did. I know, I know......that type of behavior can be classified as clingy / desperate / any number of unpleasant things. I just am not patient enough to play the waiting game.

I am not good at dating. I want to date. I love to meet new people. I need to shake things up from time to time. However, I've just about reached the conclusion that - until I can find someone who will be my dating coach, I really need to sit things out. It's safer that way!

All I can do is keep breathing............

I am going through these days in a perpetual state of "waiting for the other shoe to drop". It is making me anxious, and sometimes I feel so overwhelmed. I need to remind myself to breathe at times.

The state of the country / economy is weighing on my mind. How will my company be affected? Will my job be in jeopardy? If I lose my job, how will I make it? What about my parents - how are they going to make it in this climate? What about my friends?

Take a breath.

I have a terminally ill close family friend who is not expected to live through Thanksgiving, which is only 4 days from now. Is she suffering? Is she aware of what's happening to her? Is she scared? What will her family do without her? When will I get the call?

Take a breath.

I have slipped back into some old habits that are not healthy for me. Why am I doing this? Why can't I stop? What need is this filling? When will I take control? Will I always struggle? Who can I turn to for help?

Take a breath.

I wonder what is going to happen with someone I met recently. I wonder what he's thinking? Does he like me? What if he doesn't? Will I ever fall in love again?

Take a breath.

Take a big breath.

Let it out.

And just let it be.

Classic Carrie

My friend Allison had a baby yesterday. This, of course, was cause for immediate celebration on my end! I love babies.........especially OTHER people's babies! Being the good friend that I am, I promptly called the hospital to get Allison's room number so I could send her a gift basket to mark the arrival of wee Sophia.

After working all day, followed by dinner at my parents' house, I was finally able to make it to the hospital around 7:00 last night. I was so eager to meet this new baby girl! Sophia was the newest member of James and Allison's crew, joining big sister Alexandra (who is almost 6). James and Allison are near and dear to my heart, and I knew how special this day was for all involved. I could barely contain my excitement as I made my way past the nursery, towards the patient rooms.

When I got to Allison's room, the door was closed (no surprise there), so I gingerly knocked, not wanting to disturb anyone, lest they were sleeping. A dashing young man, whom I presumed to be one of James's friends, opened the door and welcomed me in. There were people everywhere! Not surprising, given how large Allison's family is.

I walked into the room, pushed aside the curtain, and was greeted by the sight of mom with new baby, doing the most primal and instinctual thing in the world - nursing her. Never mind that there were a good 10 people in the room - mom's bosom was on display for all to behold. There was only one teeny, tiny problem.

The mom in the bed wasn't my friend Allison.

Yeah, it seems the hospital had given me the wrong room number earlier in the day. Oops. Needless to say, I immediately turned to salt, while my face turned a dozen shades of red.

I brilliantly stated to the new mom, "Why, you're not Allison!", to which the new mom graciously replied, "Umm, nope. I'm not."

I offered a hasty apology and sincere congratulations all at once (it came out "ohmygodi'msosorrycongratsonyournewbaby"), and then fled the scene as fast as I could.

Just think how special I made that moment for that new mommy. She's gonna remember me forever.

A change is gonna come........

It has been a while since my last post. I have felt rather uninspired of late, though I'm not sure why. I'm sure, in part, it's due to the quiet shift of the seasons. We are well into Fall, knocking on the door of Winter. The days are shorter. The leaves are falling. The world around us is falling into slumber.

And yet......

There is a stirring in my soul. A part of me is being awakened by the whispers of inspiration. Perhaps, while the rest of the world sleeps, I can tiptoe out of my slumber - in that world between sleeping and awake - and create something magical for others to discover when they awaken in Spring.

So settle in for your cozy winter slumber, my friends. I will be busy dancing in my dreams.

The opposite of love..........

There is a quote that is a recurring theme in a series of books I've recently read by Emily Giffin.

"The opposite of love isn't hate; it's indifference."

When I first read that phrase, I wasn't entirely sure what the author meant. I had always assumed that the opposite of love was hate. But then, after I thought about it, it made perfect sense. With love, there is passion and emotion.....same thing with hate. With indifference, there is neither.

Since my separation and divorce more than 2.5 years ago, I have experienced a wide array of emotions about and towards my ex-husband. There used to be love; then there was hate; there was anger, too. In the last year or so, my ex had been relegated more and more to the "indifferent" category. I wished him no ill will, and the truth was, I never even thought about him.

And then.....today.....I looked at the calendar.

My ex-husband is getting remarried in 11 days.

And just like that, all of these emotions have come bubbling back to the surface, threatening to come out my eyeballs in the form of crocodile tears. I am beyond puzzled at this reaction. I am not in love with my ex anymore. I do not wish to be a part of his life anymore. I do not pine for what we once had. I wish him and his new wife and their new son every happiness.

What has upset me so is, not the fact that he is getting married; but rather, that I - the person he at one time vowed to love, honor, and cherish, 'til death us do part - am now the person to whom he is indifferent.

And even though this life is the one I chose, that is a very sad feeling.